A Very Unfunny 'Driving Back From the Airport' Monologue

Growing up is hard. We find out those jokes weren't so clever. We find that game system is outdated. That kid we hated for acting like a spaz was actually sick. Our shoes were made by children that had no rights. The cartoons that captivated and inspired us were made to make us buy sugary cereals and plastic toys. And oh man, the fats were bad, the cholesterol was bad, the calories were bad, the preservatives were bad, the carbohydrates were bad, and that what's left will leave you farting for the rest of your life.

We find out our heroes, those that weren't fictional, were sexists, racists, liars and murderers. We find our religion, if it isn't just plain wrong, draws us scorn from all across the spectrum. We find that doctors, soldiers and astronauts don't make a decent living. We find kings were dictators, that the only people not involved in the slave trade were slaves, and for whatever reason no one ever liked the Jews, even when they gave up everything that defined them. We find innocence unpopular, and ideals labeled ignorant.

And worst of all, the smartest of us dumb kids figure out that there is someone trying to become a millionaire off of every revelation of these evils through his or her book deal, movie or miniseries. We find a world of bitter young men who are bound to become sad old men; we find a world that is much better at tearing down than building up. It disenchants, makes us bitchy, and creates fear and suspicion of strangers who smile. We have so many holes in us from the things that have been yanked out that we can only muster the same hurtful emotions and behave just as badly as those who made us this way. We tear pieces off of other people to fill ourselves up, but what’s stolen can’t sustain. Once we grow up, once we're thoroughly indoctrinated, the only thing we truly do better than children is resent the people who question us. We are perhaps even more dangerous than we would have been had we remained uneducated and unworldly, and at best we are just as dangerous, just in different ways. Unless we decide to stand for the things we love regardless, and keep how much we take from others in check.