Bathroom Monologue: Cadet Report – Alex [LAST NAME WITHHELD]

Alex would be the perfect field commander if he could stop eating people. He is charismatic, quick on his feet, and knows the strategy manual backwards and forwards. People naturally trust him thanks to his competency and the pheromones he exudes. I feel my judgment swayed by his ethereal charisma even now, and he’s been off-base for two hours.

But, if may be a racist for just a minute, the hard fact is that Alex cannot stop eating people thanks to his ghoulish lineage. He did not choose his grandparents and cannot fight the urge, but we have to factor into our judgments. The same things happen every time we place him on a team. The most lithe female cadet chats him up even if they have nothing in common. She cannot help herself and they fall into something they think is love and that looks like a bad porno. Post-coitis, he devours her, we lose another high-pedigree cadet, and he goes into therapy again. His ability to rebound from the trauma is admirable, but perhaps he is simply best suited to a civilian-side desk job where love interests are more expendable.