Bathroom Monologue: Capital Idea (An Interview)

"So your country is one of the few with the death penalty."

"Yes."

"But your country hasn't used it in six years, including all four years that you have been in office."

"Yes. We're very proud of that."

"You're on the record as saying you don't want anyone to die at the hands of the state?"

"Yes. I believe very firmly in that."

"Then why hasn't your administration made any efforts to repeal the death penalty?"

“Why would we repeal it?”

“If you don’t want anyone to die at the hands of the state, why retain a policy that allows the state to kill?”

“For reason’s sake. If anyone does something worth capital punishment, I will use the full force of my office to execute it. Everyone in my country knew what I meant when I said I didn’t want anyone to die at the hands of the state. Did others not?”

“Perhaps. Can you elaborate?”

“That I don’t want anyone to do anything so reprehensible that my country would have to exercise capital punishment. It’s an issue of fundamental politeness.”

“So you don’t consider international appeals for your country to repeal the death penalty?”

“I listen to them, but they don’t understand how our country works. That law is part of our identity. Everyone obeys it and so it hasn’t been used in six years. The people are responsible and don’t need to be punished. The government is responsible and ensures due process.”

"What if someone else came to power and abused it?"

"Then we'd execute him."

"If he was in your office?"

"Abuse of office is one of the crimes that carries the death penalty, and deservedly so. The Hague has shown many brutal dictators that they will eventually be out of power, and in a stable country like ours, he will eventually be deposed, if not by arms, then by term limits."

"But his successor might be a sympathizer, aided into office by the tyrant."

"Eventually one successor will not be, though."

"Your country would execute multiple former office holders?"

"There's a Comedy about that coming this Fall. Our nation has a blossoming film industry."

"Execution of high office holders would seem brutal in many other countries."

"To eliminate the death penalty would be to eliminate the punishment for unjustly putting people to death. A leader can always abuse power to kill citizens, but the death penalty suggests retaliation. As chief of state, I appreciate it. It keeps a man more honest."

"Would you be more likely to abuse your office if capital punishment were not in place?"

-Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of our interview-



(…Which is actually a dodge. I’m not going to publish his reply any time soon. But I’d very much like your guesses. How do you think he’ll answer? How do you want him to answer? Please leave a guess in the Comments section.)