Bathroom Monologue: Monster Eaters

"You don't hire a hero to kill your monster. You hope for one, but heroes don't work for hire and are highly unreliable. Any generation gets three-to-five really good heroes in comparison to, what? Hundreds of banshees and ghosts? Heroes are busy. When one doesn't show up and save the day, you hire another monster. We're cannibals. Monster eaters. A troll will smash a lycan, and a demon will happily burn down your haunted house. Ogres will eat ogres and, when bribed, vampires will drink their own. But you don't feel comfortable running into the hills and auditioning dragons. I understand that. That's why I opened up business. This hair cut? These clothes? Learning the English language? My signs of good faith to you. Your signs of good faith should be at the bottom of the check. If I die, your check never gets cashed. If your village tries to chase me with so much as one pitchfork after I rip the head off old Grendel, though? You better add another zero to the check."