This was originally a
joke to amuse a friend on the ride from the train station. At her insistence,
I’ve transcribed it for posterity. I figure it’s at least as accurate as a SyFy
TV Show.
So my favorite story of King Arthur pertains to the Black
Knight. I don’t know if you’ve heard it – I first read it in an illustrated
kid’s book that was hardly canon, and I’ve probably embellished it since.
King Arthur was king. Sword from the Stone? Merlin being all
Gandalf? All these knights bowing to the crown? Okay, so good times in Camelot.
But! This one knight out in the wilderness refused to
surrender his territory. He wore jet black armor, flew no standard, and
absolutely spanked any loyalists who came to give him crap.
And Arthur’s like, “Well if I’m going to be king, I’ve got
to smack a bitch.”
He saddled up and rode for the wilderness, and Merlin came
along because Arthur was probably hosed. Arthur rides up, waves the Sword from
the Stone, and goes, “Let’s do this!”
The Black Knight will “do this” all day long. He trots out
in his huge set of black armor, gets in Arthur’s face, questions his parentage
and leadership and probably the divine right of kings. A real democrat, that
Black Knight.
Because they’re a couple of dudes with a couple of swords,
they decide to fight it out. Bad news: Black Knight is really frickin’ good.
Like, the real deal. He’s parrying, he’s knocking Arthur on his ass, he splits
his helm, and cuts him up like he wants leftovers for sandwiches tonight. He
even shatters the Sword from the Stone, leaving Arthur unarmed and probably
wetting himself.
The Black Knight rears up for the kill, but the sun hits his
eyes. It’s by sheer luck that Arthur gets the broken sword up, and sinks the
shard into a weak spot in the Black Knight’s knee padding. It’s an instant
gusher, and the Black Knight staggers off bitching about flesh wounds.
Merlin’s like, “Yo, whatever, time out,” and drags the
Glorious King of All England right the hell out of there and to a shack in
woods. This is a really good shack, run by a really good nurse. And that nurse
is all crushing on Arthur, and soothes all his wounds, and maybe wants to do
more, but the king is having none of it. It doesn’t matter that Merlin saved
his butt, or that he took the Black Knight to a draw, or that the wilderness nurse
is totally into him. He’s terminally depressed.
Merlin gets a little plan. He smacks the Glorious King of
All England upside the head, points to the lake and says, “Walk it off.”
Arthur walks over to the lake. In the lake is this amazing
godly-nature-nun. And she’s like, “Hey!”
And Arthur’s like, “Eh, I shouldn’t be alive.”
And she’s like, “It beats the alternatives. Get a job.”
“I’ve got a job, but I’m unworthy of it.”
“Get a girlfriend.”
“I’ve got one, and she’s really hot, and I don’t know her
name.”
“Oh for the love of God,” she says, “take a sword and go
away.”
And she throws a sword at him, and it’s really sweet, with a
really sweet blade and a really sweet scabbard. It’s, like, the Excalibur of
swords, which is probably why they called it that.
Merlin sneaks up behind Arthur, hugs his shoulders and says,
“You should give that Black Knight another shot.”
Arthur’s rocky, but he’s healed and thinks if he punks the
Black Knight then maybe he’ll prove he deserves the crown. He rides to the
battle field, and the nurse from that shack meets him, and says she won’t let
him fight alone. He says they should go steady. She says she’s Guinevere. We
all act surprised.
So the Black Knight did not have a magic girlfriend who
healed him. He hobbles out in his armor, goes, “Let’s play.”
They fight it out, and it goes way better for Arthur this
time. The Black Knight’s still nimble, but all his blows deflected off Arthur’s
armor. Finally Arthur chops through the sucker’s sword and knocks him on his
ass. At swordpoint, he gets the Black Knight to surrender.
“You should run with my round table,” Arthur decrees.
Black Knight defers. “I don’t roll like that. I’ll be your
man in the wilderness. I’ll lay the law down out here.”
Arthur doesn’t turn that down. He goes to celebrate, showing
off his sweet Excalibur to Merlin. He says how he thinks it could cut through
anything on earth.
“You think that’s cool?” Merlin asks, rhetorically. Being
the wise man archetype, he only ever asked things rhetorically. “The sheathe
makes you invincible.”
This hits Arthur right in the gut. Of course he won: he was
an invulnerable kid in his prime beating on an injured middle-aged hermit. He’s
about to turn around and confess to the Black Knight when Merlin grabs his
collar.
“Art, check yourself,” the wise man instructs. “King’s got
to do some hairy shit. Now the hairiest shit’s been done and all that’s left is
finding Lady G an apartment in Camelot. Let’s bounce.”
I never read the Black Knight story but he's one cool dude, especially when he used the word 'spanked' any loyalists who came to give him crap. ;)
ReplyDeleteAruthur's a bit of a wimp if you ask me.
I thoroughly enjoyed your version of this story, don't think I'll read the original, it will never measure up to your rendition ^_^
You can just print and paste this into your copy of Le Morte. I'm sure no scholars around will mind.
DeleteI'm thinking of using the global copy and paste command.
DeleteA fractured fairy tale worthy of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteIf they revive the cartoon again I'll be happy to license it to them. Appreciate it, Tim.
DeleteShould have leveled up his Renegade points and spaced that sucka
ReplyDeleteThe Paragon Interrupt at the anvil was simply too enticing.
DeleteLove the dialogue
ReplyDeleteWas there something about it that perked your amusement?
DeleteWay to go. I loved this different take on a classic. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteWere you very familiar with the original tale?
DeleteGreat hip-hop slant on the tale.
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it, Steve!
DeleteJust goes to show, it's all about class.
ReplyDeleteIt is if the higher class wins, or so I'm told.
DeleteWhat an excellent and very funny take on King Arthur. Love it. And Merlin's the dude!
ReplyDeleteOh man, Jeff Bridges is perfect casting!
DeleteWord.
ReplyDeleteI never thought I'd see the line "I’ve got to smack a bitch.” in one of your stories!
ReplyDeleteRespek.
I aim for versatility, my friend. Glad you enjoyed it!
DeleteFunniest thing I've read all week. Nicely done John. They should totally do your version when they make the movie again.
ReplyDelete"And Arthur’s like, “Well if I’m going to be king, I’ve got to smack a bitch.”"
This made me laugh out loud.
Getting people to laugh is a total win. Thanks for letting me know, Craig. Happy to provide you with some Friday humor.
DeleteVery very funny..at first I thought we were getting into Monty Python and the Holy Grail.."Tis only a flesh wound" but it went off completely left field..a joy to read as always J
ReplyDeleteIt would be pretty dangerous to retread a classic comedy retread of a classic story. I inserted one reference, though - hope you enjoyed it?
DeleteI loved the laid-back modern telling of this. The humor embellishing this is first class.
ReplyDeleteGlad it clicked so well for you! Did anything work particularly well?
DeleteThat was hilarious! I was an Arthur junkie when I was a kid too, but I think your rendition is my all-time favorite. I'm glad your friend talked you into posting it.
ReplyDeleteYou're too kind. You'll get your invitation to the round table shortly.
DeleteThis is the funniest version of the story I've read. LOL
ReplyDeleteThis one earned the "had to read it to the wife" award.
ReplyDeleteLoved the 'hood quality of this, the humor, and Arthur's misgivings when he found out he was invulnerable. It lacked only a little rap to close it off…
He's Arthur the king, Camelot's his hizzle
Piss him off, he'll kick yo ass fo shizzle…
Yo, like your story.
ReplyDeleteA serious fan of all stuff King A
Christopher Moore should read this. And then wish he'd thought to do it to the Sir Gawain and the Green Knight story first.
ReplyDeleteI had several laugh-out-loud moments. And I completely agree with you that the Black Knight rocked. He was a one-man show; Arthur needed an entire support team plus special equipment.
Prithee Sire, a veritable hoot...
ReplyDeletemarc nash
got a bit soft spot for Arthurian Legend and this is so fresh and lively. Very entertaining
ReplyDeleteWhat a great 'fairytale' adaption - well done Wiswell. I especially like your use of dialogue in this piece.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hilarious - and when you put it like that, Arthur really does not come out of it well at all!
ReplyDeleteYou do have a way with words, John. This reminds me of 60 second Shakespeare. Fast and furious and funnier than heck.
ReplyDelete~jon