Bathroom Monologue: From Oosa

I'm from Oosa.

Oh, where is that? Scotland?

What? No. It's a country.

Oh? Where?

Do you know Canada?

Oh, it’s in the Canada?

Just south of it.

I thought your accent sounded American.

Yeah, a lot of Oosans just call ourselves Americans. I don't. I think it's impolite to all the other countries.

Oosa is in South America?

No, just south of Canada.

Is it an island?

Only part of it. Havay-ee.

Havay-ee?

Yes. It’s in the Pacific.

Oosa is?

Only the part that is Havay-ee.

What else is there?

Forty-nine other states in it.

There are fifty states in Oosa?

I’m surprised the Eeyuh doesn’t educate people on it.

Eeyuh?

You know. This place.

You’re in Britian, sir.

Which is part of the Eeyuh.

Wait a minute. Are you just pronouncing the acronym for “U.S.A?”

No. That’s the pronunciation for “E.U.”

Firstly, don’t do that. You make it sound disgusting.

So sorry, but that's how you spell it.

Secondly, I’ve never heard anyone pronounce it like that before.

Do you go to Oosa often?

We get a lot of television. You talk about yourselves a lot on it.

Oh, you like Oosan tiv?

Stop that.