Bathroom Monologue: Max Cantor asks me to write a monologue with the title "Murder: The most important meal of the day."

Oh, you mean the cannikabals. The sect of Judaism that absorbed tradition digestively. Obviously there was some initial drama over the "thou shalt not kill" thing, but they bought people on the fair market. After that the mainstream Jews rejected them for being non-kosher, and the sect broke off to do its own thing. They were permitted to eat any learned person they liked six days a week, but on the sabbath to partake in at least part of a Rabbi. A very literal people with a personal connection to the indigestible Yahweh, they always set a place at their table for the Lord. The cannikabals never converted to secularism like other Jewish cultures because secularism isn't inheritable by diet, or at least not from a single, heavy meal. Today they run respectable lobbying firms in the U.S. and E.U., defending themselves against what they view as their greatest threats: anti-semitism and childhood obesity.