Bathrooom Monologues Movie Awards, 2019 Edition

It's almost February 2020, so of course we're all talking about the best movies of 2019. For many that includes movies that only came to the U.S. for the first time in 2019. Naturally I'll disagree with some of the Oscar winners. More naturally, I don't understand what some of the categories mean. But nothing shall dissuade me from telling a democratic body of people who devote swaths of their lives to film that their mass conclusions were wrong. So here we go!

The Robbed Award

Going to the movie that got no play last year
and is just as good as whatever won Best Picture

WIDOWS

The Raddest Scene Award

Going to the raddest scene in a motion picture

ONE CUT OF THE DEAD, the final sequence

Honorable Mentions:
Parasite, taking down the nanny

Parasite, the basement sequence

Wrinkles the Clown, the big reveal 

Zhang Yimou's Shadow, the final scene

Ash is the Purest White, the long con to confront Guo Bin

The Too Little/Too Late Award

Going to the movie I missed by several years,

but have now seen and wish I'd been on the bandwagon for at the time

COHERENCE

Honorable Mentions:
Bong Joon-ho's Mother

The Loved Ones

A Fantastic Woman

The Best Music in a Motion Picture Award

John's already used the "going to the obvious thing-award" joke,
so this is embarrassing

GASPAR NOE'S CLIMAX

Honorable Mentions:
X-Men: Dark Phoenix
1917
Zhang Yimou's Shadow

 

The Dark Horse Award

Going to the movie that was way better than you all led me to believe it would be

HOLE IN THE GROUND

The Frank/Nixon Memorial Award

Going to all actors who performed as well or better

than Frank Langella did in Frost/Nixon

For the twelfth year in a row, NO ONE

You're Actually All Great At This

Going to the best ensemble in a motion picture,

since a great cast is way more impressive than a single great performance

PARASITE

Honorable Mentions:
Booksmart
The Last Black Man in San Francisco
The Farewell

The Lighthouse

The "There's No Such Thing As The Best Movie of the Year" Award

Seeing as there is no such thing as a best movie amidst a field of

comedies, dramas, musicals, period pieces, speculative fiction, animation,

blockbusters and an international film market we're both not watching enough of as it is,

the award that simply goes to whatever movie brought me

the closest to both crying and laughing last year

 

APOLLO 11

Honorable Mentions:
The Farewell
Booksmart

2018 Awards

2017 Awards
2016 Awards
2015 Awards

2014 Awards

2013 Awards

2012 Awards

2011 Awards

2010 Awards