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Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Bathrooom Monologues Movie Awards, 2019 Edition

It's almost February 2020, so of course we're all talking about the best movies of 2019. For many that includes movies that only came to the U.S. for the first time in 2019. Naturally I'll disagree with some of the Oscar winners. More naturally, I don't understand what some of the categories mean. But nothing shall dissuade me from telling a democratic body of people who devote swaths of their lives to film that their mass conclusions were wrong. So here we go!


The Robbed Award
Going to the movie that got no play last year
and is just as good as whatever won Best Picture
WIDOWS


The Raddest Scene Award
Going to the raddest scene in a motion picture
ONE CUT OF THE DEAD, the final sequence
Honorable Mentions:
Parasite, taking down the nanny
Parasite, the basement sequence
Wrinkles the Clown, the big reveal 
Zhang Yimou's Shadow, the final scene
Ash is the Purest White, the long con to confront Guo Bin


The Too Little/Too Late Award
Going to the movie I missed by several years,
but have now seen and wish I'd been on the bandwagon for at the time
COHERENCE
Honorable Mentions:
Bong Joon-ho's Mother
The Loved Ones
A Fantastic Woman


The Best Music in a Motion Picture Award
John's already used the "going to the obvious thing-award" joke,
so this is embarrassing
GASPAR NOE'S CLIMAX
Honorable Mentions:
X-Men: Dark Phoenix

1917
Zhang Yimou's Shadow

 
The Dark Horse Award
Going to the movie that was way better than you all led me to believe it would be
HOLE IN THE GROUND


The Frank/Nixon Memorial Award
Going to all actors who performed as well or better
than Frank Langella did in Frost/Nixon

For the twelfth year in a row, NO ONE


You're Actually All Great At This
Going to the best ensemble in a motion picture,
since a great cast is way more impressive than a single great performance
PARASITE
Honorable Mentions:
Booksmart
The Last Black Man in San Francisco

The Farewell
The Lighthouse


The "There's No Such Thing As The Best Movie of the Year" Award
Seeing as there is no such thing as a best movie amidst a field of
comedies, dramas, musicals, period pieces, speculative fiction, animation,
blockbusters and an international film market we're both not watching enough of as it is,
the award that simply goes to whatever movie brought me
the closest to both crying and laughing last year
 
APOLLO 11
Honorable Mentions:
The Farewell
Booksmart

4 comments:

  1. I still need to watch Apollo 11. Sorry, I wasn't that impressed with Parasite. Think Joker or 1917 will get best picture. Not that I'll be watching...

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    1. I hope you enjoy Apollo 11! I carry that movie around in my heart.

      I wouldn't hold your breath for Joker to win Best Picture; it's one of the Academy's token popular film choices.

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  2. I am not going to admit how long it is since I have seen a movie. Unless they are light weight froth I need to stop and think about them. Which means watching movies in a public arena doesn't work for me, and watching them at home sends anyone else in the room batshit crazy.

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    Replies
    1. This makes me so curious about what it's like to watch a movie with you, EC.

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