John Wiswell on the Web

Here roam Roland and Genghis Khan, Cortez and George Patton. On earth they were middle-aged (and then, dead some hundreds of years), but her...

Lo: I don't like that noise.... Shinigami: What noise? [The room explodes with a big "Boom" sound effect] [Moments later, Lo a...

"Oh, you're firing me for a new black guy who you can pay less. Yeah, I understand completely, I've always wanted to lose my pa...

“The seven deadly sins actually make sense. Pride is a sin because, let's face it, you're being kind of a bitch. Sloth is a sin beca...

Hypocrisy is the best-spelled word in our language. No, it’s far from phonetic, but look at its structure. H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-S-Y. It’s an ugly w...

Justice is a ravenous mare, and Mercy is a blind charioteer. Justice can run a thousand miles in one day and eats not only the grass and wat...

Helen Keller wrote better imagery than most of our modern best-sellers, and if we know anything about Homer, it's that he was blind. Mar...

“No, none of me is happy to see you. Alright, four inches of me is very happy, but it’s very easily excited. … What, too frank? Am I suppose...

Vampires aren't killed by holy water! They just hate it. It tastes like poor people's hands. Similarly, the stake through the heart ...

"Think about it. Your feet carry you around for your whole life. They balance you, not just a ball of meat, but one with an oddly shape...

John Wiswell was amongst the best and worst pranksters of his age. He lived for his own brand of humor. He was fascinated with the idea of l...

Many poets and authors have write demi-autobiographies under the title “On Writing.” It’s a flag to other super-literates that what lies wit...

Actually, I don't think anyone is good with names. I guess a few people are, but they're bastards. We should hunt them down and kill...

Some people relax by closing their eyes and imagining their dream house, where they want to spend the rest of their days. I'm demented, ...

"Dude, he licked the cap of his beer, he hasn't even drunk it yet, and he's sweating like he just smoked a PCP cigarette and is...

Hatiel Essex was apprehended at 3:00 this morning outside a diner in the Zeitgeist III galaxy. He was immediately read his rights (or what w...

I have a haiku in issue 18 of Scifaikuest, available for purchase online. I've included a link to their shop at Genremall.com at the bot...

11. Thou shalt not count squiggly lines in Connect Four. 12. Thou shalt not count carbs without being able to map carbohydrate molecules a...

Contrary to the Babel Fish theory, there is nothing wrong with your ear. It is your dirty mouth, so ignorant and full of dead teeth, that sp...

The difference between a dialect and a new language can generally be gauged in the number of guns the new speakers have. If they're arme...

It is a little-known fact that veganism, while invented by humans, was not invented for humans. It was actually invented for vampires, as a ...

I was quite proud of my adorable scarecrows with their jack o'lantern heads, linked arm and arm on the porch. Yet the only person to com...

Sitting in Blue: Three strange friends discuss what they've done lately while sitting in blue moonlight on a tile roof, while below Medi...

"A lot of people wonder why I'm not going for the homerun title. Just 31 more homers and I get the name, "Homerun King." ...

A moment for the duck-billed platypus. It is a difficult character. Depending on how well you know Greek, they are "Platypi," ...

"I've killed 563 people since I turned sixteen. I've kept strict count. It's rude to forget a person you've killed. How...

It can be very difficult for young people to grasp the difference between fact and opinion, the divide between emotion and objectivity. Ther...

Wrapped in barbed wire was a box made of thorny wood. The box was built with traps, such that if opened improperly, darts would shoot from a...

"You want to know what testosterone does? Take a look at the bull shark. The average shark only swims and bites. Sometimes it reproduce...

Now whether the Atheist fell in love with the Priest first, or the Priest fell for the Atheist first, they couldn't agree. That was okay...