Friday, May 8, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: The Bizaar

This is the setting for a lot of my stories. Like a lot of my names, it’s a pun: “the Bizaar.” Few stories cross through it by name, but most have some proximity to it. It’s next door, it’s dashed through during a foot chase, and it’s on the TV when she isn’t paying attention. Yes, it is sometimes in the fiction of the fiction, because fiction can speak of what ought to be in the world instead of what we have to settle for.

Here you can get your magic carpet cleaned without fear of it losing its vibrant colors of accelerative capacity. Here you can buy swords that anyone can swallow. Here a couple from abroad spit blue flame, and use that breath to roast meats with more savory flavors than anywhere else in riding distance.

The pet store has wyverns, chimeras and hydras – though that last creature is actually a microscopic aquatic organism with a two-way digestive system, meant more for kids interested in biology than the dark arts. The big seller in the petshop is eggs. Some are fossilized dinosaur eggs. Many more will hatch to live and obedient slime molds, serpents and rocs.

There is a man to sell you a ticket in. The same man sells you a ticket out. He wears a turban and has a tan, which disguises him, so you won’t recognize that he’s me.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: United Prussian Airways introduces Socialist Class

United Prussian Airways introduces Socialist Class. This is a response to Economy Class seats, which are supposed to be budget-priced by comfortable. These are the Capitalist Swine seats. Socialist Class deems all airplanes to be the property of society and allows ticket holders to sit wherever they want. There are no seats and passengers are liberated to sit on the drink cart, on the laps of First Class Passengers, or on the wing. Any passengers who fall off the wing will have to take up burial with their local funeral parlors. There is no word if funeral parlors will introduce Socialist Burial, beyond one undertaker in coach saying the liberated wing passengers, "can bury themselves, for a truly liberal experience."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

“What would a ghost be scared of?” –Some guy on Supernatural, Season 2, the Hollywood Babylon episode

a) The ghost of a bear
b) The ghost of a shark
c) The ghost of a bigger guy than he was
d) The ghost of another guy who is holding the ghost of a shotgun
e) The ghosts of a bunch of bees
f) The ghost of a rusty bear trap
g) The ghost of that babysitter that never shaved and insisted on going around nude as soon as his parents left
h) The ghost of a new bear trap
i) A katamari
j) The ghost of an IRS agent

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I feel There Will Be Blood was the weakest of the Saw films

The famed "Jigsaw" killer was arraigned today on 35 counts of kidnapping and reckless endangerment. The District Attorney, Patrick Straus, said the state may also bring him up on charges of whatever that law is that lets thieves sue homeowners when they slip on their property.

"We figure, if legally a Wal-Mart is liable for you slipping in the Produce aisle, this guy is screwed."

"Jigsaw" is famous for his M.O. of abducting seemingly innocent people who were somehow related to him being sad he got cancer, and then trapping them in houses full of booby traps that force them to either mutilate or kill themselves and each other. The classic argument has been that the killer doesn't actually do anything.

"The idea that a guy puts a bear trap on your head and gives you sixty seconds to choose whether it kills you or just rips your jaw off seems pretty fucking semantic to me," says Straus. "Apparently someone in the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has gone senile and said we couldn't try him for Homicide. So after we try him for every trivial thing possible, which ought to drag him into court to sit and watch people think he's nuts for twenty years, we'll try him for Manslaughter."

Manslaughter is the class of crimes where someone is intrinsically related to a death without having actually caused it. "Of course, Jigsaw would know that if he'd watched an episode of Law and Order," said Straus. He concluded his address to the public by saying that even if the terminally ill killer won't be tried for Homicide, "it's good that we can stop people from saying the fucker didn't do anything."

Monday, May 4, 2009

Bathroom Twitter Experiment V.1, P.001

This story has been removed as it was sold to a magazine. Sorry it's no longer here, but you'll be able to read it there soon. Heck, it may already be up! And if it is, it's linked.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Admiring Gruff’s rifle

[Three of them sit at the bar. Well, two are sitting. PLUTO, in miniature form, floats above the left-most bar stool. DARKLOSS SOULRIPPER VON ALUCARDIA sits on the right-most bar stool, in a cloak so massive we can’t even be sure it’s him, since we’re looking from behind. In the middle sits GRUFF STOVER, wearing a Kevlar bodysuit. GRUFF’s long-barreled bolt-action rifle sits against the bar, on his right. All three are admiring the rifle.]

Gruff: Oh, about a mile and a half away in good weather.

Darkloss: Damn.

Pluto: And you can live with that?

Gruff: I can live with the five mistresses, the penthouse and the premium Netflix plan one job a year sustains.

Darkloss: Why five mistresses?

Gruff: Same reason I have Netflix.

Pluto: I want to high five you so badly right now.

Darkloss: No hands and you aren’t a planet.

Pluto: It’s hard.
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