Saturday, August 22, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: This Was How He Said Goodbye

Grandfather wanted him to be a Baptist, but the boy was one of experiences and emotions, not study, and certainly not pews. Grandfather threw the book at him, he ran from reading, and the two didn’t speak until the old man only had a few months left.

Their only conversation ran short, even though the boy said he’d recently started reading and liked Huck Finn. The dying old man barked that he needed a Bible, and Shakespeare, and Hemingway, and more and more until the boy simply walked out in tears.

Upon returning home, Grandfather disappeared into his basement, hunched over in pain, hunched over a plane, to produce an inheritance. It arrived at the boy’s apartment without explanation, a bookshelf with no books on it.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Earth Squared

Planets are square. Spaceships take photos of them with round lenses, so of course they look spherical, but if you notice there's black space around the edges of any picture, forming a square, or at least a rectangle. Even the round lens can't suppress angular planets. It's black there because that's where it's night on Mars. Even the sun is a cube. Our circular pupils can’t handle it, and deceive us to compensate.

Handy eyes-free MP3 edition:

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Edward Brownie

Edward had earned many brownie points in his life, but never learned where to exchange them. Inquiring about prizes or monetary equivalence earned him nothing more than quizzical stares. When he attempted to redeem them at the school cafeteria he was sent to the dean’s office for “shoplifting.” As though redeeming three brownie points for three brownies were theft! But by fifth grade he learned about exchange rates, and came to understand that perhaps many brownie points were necessary for one brownie. That had to be the way of it, because applying for honorary merit badges from his sister’s Brownies troop certainly wasn’t working.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD, 2 FOR $1

I took a year off from college to open a business. It was a social experiment in capitalism with no actual store name, just a sign reading: “WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD, 2 FOR $1.”

The whole point was to see who would walk in. Didn’t matter if they needed the bathroom or wanted to know if we were open on Sundays, because that’s usually a front for curiosity.

So, I soon concluded, are protests, and we got a lot of those, even after we let them inside to show we didn’t have any guns. I swore I’d close if anyone ever came in actually demanding our services, and that’s why I’m back at CalTech now, with two photographs, a Better Business Bureau complaint, and a dollar to put towards my student loans.

Handy eyes-free audio edition on free MP3:

Six Sentence Week 5

You guessed it. Six Sentence Week returns with an August Edition. This week I've got a store that will shoot two people in the head for a dollar, a boy who doesn't know where to redeem his brownie points, a six sentence haiku, and more. A poll should pop up around Tuesday asking for your favorite. Please vote on it, and leave comments for what's stupid and what's interesting. I'm still curious what people think of my work in this particular constraint, particularly since I can't seem to stop writing in it.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

#classicsontwitter 2

Once again, a bonus post with classics adapted to Twitter.

Don Quixote: Demented romantic goes on adventures that are all delusion. Twice. Sidekick becomes a governor.

The Crucible: Some girls accuse another of being a witch. Adults are also accused, and all their lives are ruined.

Arabian Nights: Girl tells a new story each night to keep her husband from killing her. He is hooked. She lives.

Canterbury Tales: Pilgrims have a storytelling contest to entertain themselves and bother each other. No one wins.

Three Musketeers: Four men with no muskets foil a plot against France.

Gone with the Wind: Privileged Southerner lives out the civil war in surprising comfort. Everybody but her leaves or dies.

Tale of Genji: The son of the emperor has lots of sex. Slowly, his friends and family die. He is sad.

Les Miserables: Jean leaves prison, steals silverware, and runs for mayor under a fake identity. He dies of old age.

Gilgamesh: The king was too cool, so the gods sent a wildman to humble him. They hang out. Wildman dies. King is sad.

Catch-22: Guy can’t stop fighting in the war unless he’s crazy, and isn’t crazy if he wants to stop. He runs away.

Lord of the Rings: Little guy has to destroy a magic ring. Everyone else fights the bad guys. Little guy destroys ring.

The Odyssey: Hero fights monsters on his long voyage home. Once home, he kills his guests.

Pride and Prejudice: Attractive people like other attractive people but don’t marry them fast enough. Hijinx ensue.

Frankenstein: Doctor sews together bodies to make a new guy. Body-Guy kills people. Body-Guy and Doctor die in the Arctic.

Lord of the Flies: Some boys are shipwrecked and become increasingly tribal and violent. Adults show up. The end.

Things Fall Apart: Europeans slowly take over an African village. Town leader hangs himself in defeat.

One Hundred Years of Solitude: Several generations struggle with the history of their town. Naturally, most die.

To Kill a Mockingbird: Children grow up with a quiet father who defends a black man against racist judiciary. He wins.

Bathroom Monologue: What would I do…?, OR, Recently unearthed, one of the original Bathroom Monologues was a mental comic strip

[Panel 1]
-Jesus walks up to the edge of the land. Beyond him is lava, completely blocking his passage.

[Panel 2]
-Jesus looks down to his WWJD charm bracelet.
Jesus: What would I do…?

[Panel 3]
-Jesus looks happy.
Jesus: Oh, right!

[Panel 4]
-Jesus looks up at the sky, shouting.
Jesus: Daaaad!
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