Saturday, March 14, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Phoenix Baby, OR, Interpretations Are Not What They Seem

The phoenix appeared when Marina was born. They couldn’t have thought to time it, but it seemed the first attack came when she was spanked and cried her first breaths. Every ensuing time she cried the phoenix attacked anew, knocking over skyscrapers and ripping up the roads. The attacks grew more savage with time, ripping up more and more of the earth, and became especially worse when Marina grew old enough to throw tantrums. Her uncle began keeping a diary, a crude catalog of her misbehavior and the bird’s assaults. When she didn’t get what she wanted for her birthday and the phoenix ripped up the highway, he convinced himself there was only one way to stop it. He smothered her at 8:01 on a Monday morning. At 8:01 across town, the great dragon emerged in full rage from beneath the concrete and immolated a third of the city’s population. The phoenix’s head fell in shame; she had been too late to stop it.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Giant Dissection

Phenotypically they most resemble humans, though you will notice the spine is more curved providing a natural slouch, the hands and feet are disproportionately large, and there are sundry internal differences. They possess three lungs and five heart-like organs of amazing toughness and resilience. We have still yet to cut through one of the hearts, so it should be several more weeks before we can say anything about the cardiovascular system. For flourish’s sake, though, they have arteries that could reverse a small mountain stream, compensating for the sheer space they have to pump blood through. You will notice the fingernails are calcified to the point of being part of the skeletal system, and bones have integrated with all the major organs, providing structural support and a defense mechanism for each much as the human skull provides its brain. The giant skull is as thick as rumored, but shelters a brain much larger than anticipated. We find all the lobes in human physiology as well as two incomparable ones. Based on their proximity to what would be the reasoning centers in humans, we may be looking at the schematics for the next evolutionary leap – the housing of giant intelligence, if you will. It’s most unfortunate that science will not be able to chart further growth with their oncoming extinction, but then maybe it is fortunate, or else human science might vanish altogether.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: “How many equal sides does a scalene triangle have?” –The author’s brother-in-law in Know-It-All

“One. Now I know what you’re going to say: that a triangle has to have at least two sides be equal to each other to have any that are equal at all. But you didn’t ask how many sides a specific scalene triangle had to itself. You asked how many equal sides it had, so I answered how many sides the triangle had that were equal to another triangle I was imagining. It may have three similar sides to an identical scalene triangle. However, it cannot have any identical sides to itself because it’s scalene – so you can only be asking about its relation to another triangle, so I picked one on my own. Booyah.”

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: When I was a kid, I thought Gandalf was Merlin on vacation from England

When I was a kid, I thought Gandalf was Merlin on vacation from England
As soon as the last grail meeting ended, Merlin slipped out the door and lit a cigarette.
One of the squires came over.

“Good boy. Is my horse ready?”

“Yes, sir. But are you certain you should go now? Their crusade could begin any month.”

“Listen, that hobbit isn’t going to pull this off by himself and Arthur knows what he’s doing. I’ve got two weeks vacation from Camelot and if anyone gets suspicious I’ll blame it on Morgana. You can blame anything on the old bitch. Two weeks is all I need to ride to Rivendell, from there around the cliffs and I make the necessary cameo to inspire and point him in the right direction again. I swear, if I didn’t show up regularly they’d wander into Las Vegas before they hit the Misty Mountains.”

He combed his beard with his fingers, changed his pointy blue hat for one with a rim and swapped his staff for that sword the elves dropped. Then he turned back to the squire.

“How do I look?”

“Exactly the same, sir.”

“Good, good. If Hogwartz calls again tell them I’m not playing phone tag anymore. If they want me to be head wizard, I want time and a half plus a pension that doesn’t rely on disgusting jellybeans. Playing two roles is hard enough.”

Then the wizard hustled to the stables, mumbling something about how having to make so many dramatic appearances had turned his hair white.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Fragrance of Success, OR, That is not how evolutionary biology works

Their evolutionary biologists suggest human digestive systems evolved to produce feces that smell repugnant so that we would shy away from them, as they contain unhealthy materials. Our evolutionary biologists are quickly processing a new GeneTech ™ pill to rewire your intestines to produce new feces in Rosewater, Fresh Pine and Sanitary Lemon scents. Each pill will run $50,000 and the treatment takes a few months, but GeneTech says it’s always cost a lot to think your shit doesn’t stink (TM).

Monday, March 9, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Another tuna monologue, OR, I’m Feeling a Little Woody Allen Today

“I lost seven pounds this year without a gym membership. Does that please you, mistress?”

“Lick my boot.”

“I really don’t want to. You say those are your house stilettos, but even so, a lot drips onto the floor of this apartment, and I don’t think a swiffer can pick all of it up. Can’t a just compliment your shoe-shopping purchase? Can’t we just talk? You can dominate the conversation.”

(In case grandma reads this one: it's fiction, grandma. I'm a dom.)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: New Archery Event Announced

“This is a bad event! I know a lot of things are called sports when they aren’t, but this is not a sport! Whoever said we should see who could stop the most arrows was clearly intending to be a spectator! I forfeit! Can I forfeit? I protest! I’m morally opposed to being shot to death!”
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