Saturday, September 19, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Insults that Should Be Used, OR, “…dog devourer.” –Brian Aldiss, Total Environment

-Light Bulb Replacer
-Professional Dialer
-Buster of Mediocre Rhymes
-Man of Questionable Parentage
-Wanderer of Straight Lines
-Rifler of Unfamiliar Luggage
-Used Lufa Salesman
-Slapper of Goats
-Herculean Clodhopper
-Lead-footed Waltzer
-Book Sniffer
-Lobster Defiler
-Tarnation’s Carnation (for pretty girls)
-Lady of the Afternoon (for women in general)
-Dusky-Futured Migrant
-Washer of Clean Dishes
-Butter Licker
-Foreigner in Your Own Above
-Silent Musician
-Walrus Baby
-Tainter of Elegant Balls

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: The Rule of Eleven Daughters

Handy eyes-free audio edition: The Rule of Eleven Daughters

The king had eleven daughters by the queen alone. The first was a joy - no good man resents his first child. Even the second and third were profound pleasures. But soon any king must fear for the future of his throne.

By the seventh daughter, he was consumed with conceiving a son. He did not put his wife to death - she'd have none of it, and getting rid of his official mate would be like killing a cook because not enough food was coming out of the kitchen. He conscribed more cooks, both literal and figurative, filling a wing of the castle with mistresses and feeding them any arcane aphrodisiac the wisemen came up with. Soon he took more to bed than to the throne room.

In his stead, his three eldest daughters played at policy. They began with the army, improving budgets and rations. They went on to pave roads nearest the heart of the kingdom and funded massive irrigation digs, but every four seasons, it was back to military investment. Soon not a regiment wanted for arms or armor, and not a soldier complained of overlong tours of duty. By the time that first daughter reached maturity, the kingdom’s army was so vast that no other territory would pick a war with them anymore. The army fast became a recreational trade.

When the king died, sonless and unhappy, it was the tidiest coup you ever saw. The princesses took the throne and every major general was at their side. There was no one in the land trained to fight who was against it, and so matriarchy was established. Soon there were eleven ladies voting on the future of the country, counseled by experts of all disciplines, and their mother. It broke down stereotypes like you wouldn't believe.

Isn't that how it went in your country?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: God Don’t Like Ugly

"I don't think we're ever the same person, after a loss or vacation, or even day to day. Haven't we all changed from yesterday? Even as I say this, some of my cells are dying and they’ll never be back. We’re never quite the same. Yet God's blessed me with the ability to remain ugly no matter what happens. Lipstick, blush, face lifts, wonder bras and compliments won’t do anything but change the shape and shade of my ugliness. It's how I know that I'm still me. I’m eternally unpleasant. I couldn’t ask for more."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: “…the hell of solipsism.” –Donald Barthelme, A Shower of Gold

Blasvius the Disbeliever walked through the various infernos without swear or interest. Not that he really walked – that would require there be a space through which he was traveling, which was absurd. This Hell was but the latest fantasy, no more real than the supermarket had been until that imaginary soup can display supposedly crushed him to death.

Still, he entertained himself with the illusions of suffering masses. Those who believed there was fire screamed and roasted; those who believed in water were up to their necks in lakes but couldn’t bend far enough to sip. Those who believed in love were tormented in such thoughtful and malevolent fashion that he almost believed in their tormenter.

“But no,” he declared to the illusions of agony. “I must be making it all up. Otherwise I’d be suffering. Solipsism is the only non-Hell.”

His stomach growled, and for an instant he wanted a snack from the vending machine outside the supermarket in which he’d died. For an instant, he was ready to believe in that vending machine.

Somewhere, a tormentor cackled. Blasvius tried not to believe it, but the number pad was already taking shape in front of him.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Another sudden bout of bathroom dialogue

"You said life wasn't worth living without her, right?"


"Then let's go get in some cars and kick ass. Got one rocket left in the launcher, and that’ll punch a hole in the wall. From there, it’s mostly a case of running and ducking security guards."

"We can't storm the prison! We'll be--"

"Killed? But you said life wouldn't be worth living. So either we rescue her, or we die. Not much of a loss given the circumstances, right?"

Monday, September 14, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Centaur Hanging

When we finally caught those rogue centaurs I had them strung up like common criminals. Pushed them onto the platform and spearpoint, then pulled the planks from under them. Four hooves a-piece flailing desperately for but a second. Their necks snapped from the weight of their asses. Put the fear of God into them, and finally I could say that even the women in their tribe were hung like horses.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Best of Bathroom Monologue Twittering

"Michael Jackson Funeral Set For Tuesday At Staples Center" -NPR

"Jackson to be buried under children's water fountain." -Unconfirmed

Bronze statue of Ronald Reagan unveiled today. "I didn't know he was black!" say children.

"Decades After WWII, Female Pilots Finally Honored " –NPR

"Sitcoms not worth producing, but their progressive themes had merit" -Anonymous

"Organization Of American States Meets On Honduras" –NPR

"Honduran government worried how American land masses will return home." -Anonymous

"Obama Hopes For New Russian Relationship" -NPR

"President hopes she's blonde" -Anonymous

No one ever mentions it, but a synonym for “motherf*cker” is “dad.”

"Oil Price Rise Leads To Proposed Crackdown On Speculators" –NPR

"President: Thinking about what's coming causes ulcers, stress" -Anonymous

Gail Simone asks for worst possible Superhero Movie Casting:

Jeff Goldblum as Mr. Fantastic, Ru Paul as Sue Storm, Richard Simmons as Johnny, Julian McMahon as Doom

"Need For Campaign Cash Opens Door For Lobbyists " –NPR

"Lobbyists go missing; door to Twilight Zone found mysteriously open." -Anonymous

"Iraqi Insurgents Turn To Small But Deadly Weapon" –NPR

"Terrorists may find Hercules Beetle's name deceptive" -Anonymous

“Report: Sotomayor Is 'Solidly In The Mainstream' Of Her Circuit" –NPR

"Solid objects move slower in streams than liquids." -Science Teacher

"Ghosts Of Nominees Past Haunt Sotomayor Hearing" –NPR

"Supreme Court Nominee bursts into hysterics at Christmas carols." -Anonymous

"Forget The Frisbee, Cool Dogs Catch Waves" -NPR

"Cats catch particles, theorize on nature of light." -Anonymous

"Kim Jong Il Reported Ill; Who Will Take His Place?" –NPR

"Kim Jong IV Eyeing Throne." -Anonymous

"Obama Challenges Critics On Health Care " –NPR

"Obama will arm wrestle you for free medicine. Be a man, Congress." -Anonymous

“CIA Director Leon Panetta Threatened To Quit Over Justice's Torture Tack" –NPR

"Gummy tacks are less painful, more humane." –Anonymous

"Court Rules Law Enforcement Went Too Far In Baseball Steroid Probe" –NPR

"Judge: if it goes over the fence, they can shoot it up." -Fan

"Giuliani May Have His Eye On The New York Governor's Mansion" –NPR

"Child dispatched with pool skimmer to get eye off roof" -Anonymous

"Washington Prepares to Say Farewell" –NPR

"George: Okay, I'm going. But please do something about those slaves." –Anonymous

"Is Pentagon Trying To Shape War Coverage?" –NPR

"This conflict has five sides." -Anonymous

"Man Bites Off Tip Of Another Man's Pinky Finger At Health-Care Protest" –NPR

"Surgery Too Expensive, Pinky Discarded." -Anonymous
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