Monday, February 16, 2009

Bathroom Monologues: Can I still do this?

Remember when the goblins first tried to storm the great north? They came from a tropic region, so they were woefully unprepared. By their standards, anyway. By human standards, holy shit! I mean, they were driving war machines that belched flamed. Humans didn’t even know what oil was yet, aside from some sort of water that was kind of a jerk when you tried to drink it.

Sure, goblins had invented the wheel, but not the snow tire. So you had these massive engines of destruction spinning out of control and sliding back down the mountains. One of the colonels fell out his war machine and slid two entire miles before almost perishing in a snow bank. As soon as he clambered out he ordered his entire unit to try that.

The campaign was retarded for three days by soldiers converting their shields to toboggans. Taking the next ridge meant sledding back down. Goblin engineers that had formerly invented the war engine converted it into the ski lift.

Half-hearted attempts at storming human civilizations were waged, but they kept returning to their lodges for cocoa and the comfort of ski bunnies. They wound up just making their own country along the border of the north. The only reason northern human civilizations have survived future goblin invasions is that original goblin country, which repels all others who they see as attempting to steal their slopes.

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