Friday, October 2, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Reliable Photographer

Handy eyes-free audio edition here.

None of the other detectives will listen to me, but if you’ve just got a minute, I have photo evidence that my neighbor is evil! Look at this picture. You can see the sound waves coming through the walls of his apartment. That’s unnatural.

Not enough? Look at this one. He’s stomping a kitten to death. Vile man.

In this one he’s going to the movies with Satan. You can tell it’s Satan because his jacket is on fire and his hair is pointy.

In this one he’s pushing his mother down the stairs of our apartment complex. There’s no handrail because the superintendent is a lazy bastard. You should arrest him, too.

Here he’s standing over his fallen mother, doing the cabbage patch. I’m not sure if the stole he’s wearing is made from the same cat I photographed him killing, but it’s definitely cat fur.

And here he and Satan are resurrecting Herbert Hoover and Richard Nixon through a black portal to Hell. See the steam?

And here the four of them resurrect the cats he’s killed by the same dark ritual. That seems nice, right?

Until you see this photo, of the four stomping the cats to death with heavy, metal boots.

Now before you say anything, I know the other detectives said these aren’t photographs, but drawings I did with crayon. I swear to you they aren’t. His music really is that loud! Please, just follow me home!

21 comments:

  1. Yikes! You are a sick sick ogre, Mr. Wiswell. ;p How am I suppose to get to sleep now!

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  2. Why am I hearing Shel Silverstein in my head? It's sort of creepy and funny at the same time.

    Great job!

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  3. Is it wrong that we are all finding this so funny? Well done.

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  4. I laughed, though maybe I should scream?

    But I loved it!

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  5. Sick! And even sicker because you made me laugh at it. :)

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  6. Oh I love that. LOVE it. That story had it all plus Satan cat stomping with Nixon and Hoover... and crayons :-) G-E-N-I-U-S. If I was to improve this in anyway I would love to know what film Satan and the neighbour were going to see - a great missed opportunity for another joke - the image of them sitting through "Mama Mia" or perhaps "My best friend's wedding" or "The Cage Aux Follies" or perhaps the singalong version of "Sound of Music" would have been frankly hilarious.

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  7. you are totally INSANE. But I love it. Great Piece John.

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  8. I loved this - especially the cat stompimg!

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  9. Thanks everybody! Glad to see some of my vile comedy can entertain as well as the simply silly. But don't worry - no cats were actually harmed. Our photographer is actually crayonographer, and not a reliable one. But his music is that loud.

    Never been compared to Shel Silverstein before. That feels really nice, Ganymeder!

    Clive, they went to see a Tyler Perry's Medea marathon.

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  10. I made the fatal error of reading this while sipping on a beverage. I then snarfed through my nose. You, sir, are a b*st*rd. Buy omg, you are a funny one!

    LOVED THIS.

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  11. Great work.

    And I will turn my music down from now on.

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  12. Great one of my favourites from this weeks friday flash

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  13. hahaha, excellent.
    Very funny imagery (I love cats really, honest!)

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  14. Funny and disturbing. The unreliable narrator works well here. Another great audio too, might have to look into providing that with my flash. Top stuff.

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  15. Laughed at this twist on the unreliable narrator device. Very good ending.

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  16. So loud music can make photographs look like crayon drawings? I didn't know that. Man, the things you learn reading flash fiction.

    Jeff Posey

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  17. Bahaha! This is seriously funny, witty stuff. I feel bad laughing but...BAHAHA!!! Great, great, great.

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  18. Satan: Jacket on fire and pointy hair. Oh, hilarious. Deliciously evil. And crayon? Hardly. ;)

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  19. The Writer, was I supposed to read that in the voice of Futurama's Satan Robot, or was that all me?

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  20. That was great. I'm sure they have a nice little room where he can take more photographs of the white coated staff. Everyone knows white coated staff are evil...
    ~jon

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