Bathroom Monologue: How do you pronounce “Tatopolus?”

“Hello, Mr. Tatopolus?”

“It’s pronounced ‘Ta-ta-pa-loose,’ but this is him. What can I do for you?”

“This is Sherry from Carp Publishers. I’m Mizzy’s secretary. This is concerning the photograph you sent up for the dust jacket.”

“I thought they got my good side.”

“To be sure: you sent a photo of you with a cat on your lap?”

“Yeah, that’s my mother’s. I take care of it on the weekends. Beautiful tabby, isn’t she?”

“Are you aware that this has been photoshopped?”

“How so?”

“There’s a large cartoon word bubble over your head that makes you say, “I hate cats.””

“That sounds like me. I hate cats.”

“And you’re stroking one in the photo.”

“Yes. Is there a problem?”

“You don’t see something odd there?”

“Not really. I hate cats.”

“You realize your book is about pet owners, Mr. Tatapolous?”

“Uh-huh. I did a bang-up job, too.”

“We can’t cut the word bubble out because it’s in the middle of your photo. Mizzy was wondering if you could send another.”

“What would you like the caption to be?”

“If it could just be you, that would be great.”

“Okay. I’ll surprise you. Thanks for the call, Sherry!”

“Hold on—”

But he’d already hung up.