Thursday, July 1, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Total #eclipse of the Heart

Dear Steph,

I recently saw a commercial for your third movie and hope it isn't too late to recommend some changes. Now, I haven't read any of your books, but being a consumer I feel entitled to opinions. It looks like you've got brutish werewolves and emo vampires duking it out for your cipher white chick. So far so good. But while the boys battle, you should have a mummy roll up in a Rolls Royce. Sex him up however you want, but I think bandages imply sensitivity and girls love feelings, so there's that. He sweet talks your cipher like no other, because the slaves pulled his brain out through his nose, but they left his heart intact. While she's looking at a werewolf licking his own butt, the mummy's talking about a penthouse on top of a pyramid. While she's looking at a Seltzer-brand sparkling vampire, the mummy's reciting hieroglyphic poetry to mad jackal back beats. Naturally she runs off with him because pharaohs are rich and women are vapid, but you can tease it out for drama.


PS: All mummies are loaded. Call me.


  1. Dammit, man...milk came out of my nose while I read this (and I wasn't even drinking any).

    Your humor is magic.

  2. OMG, I am in awe of your talent. Seriously. That was awesome.

  3. Love it. And I would totally go and see that version of Eclipse...mummies don't get nearly enough love.

    And it's true...mummies are loaded, women are vapid. I'd go with the mummy any day.

  4. Priceless! Mad jackal back beats was inspired. This was too good.

  5. I love you.
    If this were playing I would totally go see it.

  6. Gorgeous! Love your stuff Wiswell. ;)

  7. Classic! But if they got married the book would have to be called "My two Mummies". That would be to liberal for Stephanie Myers Mormon roots.


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