Thursday, August 26, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: $600,000,000 Man

The scream made him drop his magazine. It was from the suite. Lo leapt over the table and hurtled down the hall. He was about to barge shoulder first into the door when it opened inward.

Out stepped Yul. The goblin carried what looked like laundry bundled in his arms.

"Hey Lo," Yul greeted. "Remember how you said the guy is worth six hundred mil?"

Lo tried to get around him. For a little guy, Yul was brilliant at getting in the way.

“Yeah? What’s going on in there? Is he safe?”

Yul lifted his bundle. A limp hand fell out of one sleeve.

Lo looked down at it, eyes going wider, then narrower in realization.

"Well this is at least 15% of his body mass. Nuts to bodyguarding, we're set for life."

"Yul! Human arms don't grow back!"


"They don't grow back, you moron goblin." He pulled up his sleeve to show leaf patterns of scars. "Fell on glass when I was a kid. Still have nerve damage."

"What kind of budget immune system do you people have?" Yul shook his prize arm at Lo, extending their client’s index finger and wagging it shamelessly. "Well I'm not giving it back. He's rich. Let him buy another arm. I'll call you after I pawn it."

Before Lo could tackle him, the goblin ducked and charged between his legs and fled for the stairs. Lo sighed slowly and tried to calculate an apology that would save his job. Hopefully the blood loss would leave his employer more amenable.


  1. Lo. And Behold. A weird story if there ever was got some 'splainin to do..

  2. Solender, you're alive?

    ...How is your arm?

  3. Haha! Sounds like a nightmare version of Dobby from Harry Potter.


  4. Short and "spiky", if a story that has no spikes in it can be so. Loved it!

    Err, I might have misunderstood, but you'd want to say " *then* narrower in realization" right?

    Just trying to help out, as you did many times for me. :)

  5. Now I'm picturing a little Muppet goblin proudly presenting an arm to David Bowie.

    Also this was great: "What kind of budget immune system do you people have?"

  6. Awesome. Just freaking awesome. I love immortals with their mercenary, yet uncomprehending nature of all things human. Why do I picture it being Monty Burns's arm?

  7. Hey, I see your Lo! I'm glad you finally posted about him. This is excellently humorous and I totally dig the idea that this goblin has no idea that human arms are pretty much biologically irreplaceable. I hope Lo gets to keep his job! Also, does the loss of that arm devalue this guy by some percentage?

  8. Yes, this sounds like exactly the sort of difficulty Lo gets stuck with. Pick your bodyguarding companions carefully.

    Fantastic, and good to see Lo again.


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