Monday, September 27, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Possible Origins For Him. 3. (Re-Upload)

Some folks had trouble listening to this monologue originally. I've re-uploaded it. To listen you can either click the triangle on the left to stream it or click this text to download the MP3. Please let me know if it works for you.

So you want to know who I really am. Everybody does. But I’ll let you in on it, and just you. Ever heard of a guy named "Elvis Presley?"

I know what you're saying. "Not another theory about how the Joker is Elvis!"

Sorry. It's all true. The charisma. The fabulous taste in wardrobe. Before I appointed myself court jester, I was The King.

At first getting crowds to go wild was enough, but eventually a guy tires of shaking his hips. Less of a slap and more of tickle man, I was. Nobody really got me, so I ate. Out of boredom, depression, a cadaver – you know, what you do when you have too much money and not enough friends. I was under the influence – twenty peanut-butter-cheeseburgers a day, not an illegal substance at the time – when a tour manager said I had to turn it around and mentioned this radical weight loss surgery. I figured, what the Hell? I’m barely conscious anyway!

Turns out a heavy guy who loses all that fat is left with a lot of spare tissue, and they tried to trim me up. It also turns out that back-alley plastic surgery in the 1970’s was not the most efficient or sanitary affair. The blood loss destroyed my complexion and my smile was irrevocably altered.

When I saw what the doctors had done to me, well. I ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Throttling my third medical attendee, I realized this was what I’d been missing. Not just making them squeal from the stage, but getting down there and laying on some hands. The transition into a new life wasn’t hard; half my impostors looked more like me than I did, and the screams of my new audience were so much more interesting. Let me tell you, singing Jail House Rock in Arkham Asylum is an experience to die for. Or at least get maimed on an operation table for.

This sort of thing's not that unusual, really. One of the Robins used to be James Dean. Get me a cheeseburger and a crowbar, and I'll tell you which.


  1. Brilliant, John. The transition from reasonable to psychopath was so subtly done, it was hard to notice, but seems completely obvious by the end.

  2. Thanks! Where did you see the transition, TS? Curious since he's flip from the outset. I'm glad to be doing these again. I forgot how fun they were.

  3. John, seriously, these are brilliant. I'm going to have "Ain't Nothing but a Hound-Dog" in my head all day now.

    And you know, there's a cracked kind of plausibility here... :)

    Love it. I'll never look at Elvis the same way again.

  4. I loved it, John! I'm glad you're having fun with them. It really shows.

    And you write crazy so well. :) (maybe that should worry me.....)


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