Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: "Season of the Witch" is apparently a "thing" now

Season of the Witch? That’s the worst. The absolute rock bottom. In spring everything’s blossoming and we go outside. In summer it’s hot, you swim and girls wear skimpy clothing. In Fall you at least get nice foliage. Winter gets the worst bias, which I appreciate: it’s colder, the blizzards, and suicides rise on account of all the holidays. But the season of the witch is the nastiest season, the one I’d sleep through. All the storms of hail and frogs. The freak weather that makes you sweat until you alchemize. And Jesus Herbert Walker Christ, when the crone trees blossom and the green faces pop out and start screeching “I’ll get you, my pretty!” Terrify my kids and wake me up at the crack of dawn every damned day. Why we can’t cut them down, it doesn’t stand to reason. Just because they’re on an endangered species list. They cast hexes on apple pickers! They should be endangered.


  1. I adore this. I would like to know how exactly you know if you've sweated enough to alchemize and what happens then?
    I love the commentary on the crone trees, especially the last two sentences. Highly amusing.

  2. Haha, thanks Jemma!

    You know you've sweated enough to alchemize when you cease to wear a sports bra and actually become a sports bra.


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