Sunday, December 5, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: There is a monster behind you

There is a monster. You never see him because he's constantly behind you. Turn your head, and he'll move to stay out of sight.

He follows you everywhere. He is behind you in line at the grocery store. In traffic, he is why they flashed their brights at you. In the empty movie theatre, he sits too close. He doesn’t like movies. He prefers to watch you sleep.

Maybe everyone has a monster. I do, and you do. That’s at least two. They prize anonymity too much to talk to each other, and often do not even believe in each other. A census has therefore been very difficult to conduct. Monsters are solitary and solipsistic things.

You cannot film him. Set up a camera behind yourself, and it will be his hand framing the shot. Stick the camera in your wall and he’ll climb in with it – he knows all about the insides of walls.

One day, he’ll try to eat you. Not today, not with us talking about him. He’ll wait months and years like you wait ticks on the egg timer. He’ll wait until you’re cooked, sick and weak, and certain he’s not there. That’s when you’ll see his hand on your shoulder. That’s when he’ll crack your shell and bite the yoke.

There is no malice to this. He doesn’t hate you. Often when you’ve broken your heart, lost your love, or have to sleep in the backseat of your car, and feel like there’s someone else crying along with you, it’s him. He times his gasps with yours so you won’t hear. He can’t bear to give himself away, especially not in those times. You might get attached, and then he would.


  1. Haha, thanks Laura. Keep your monster happy!

  2. Thank you for providing a creepily unsettling beginning to my Sunday...

  3. I like that the monsters don't believe in each other:)

  4. Rather strange and creepy. You wouldn't happen to have some sort of ritual that would get rid of my monster?

  5. Hi John, like Harry says I also like that monsters don't believe in each other. Nice creepy touch.:)

  6. Oh I liked this a lot John. Had to look up solipsistic. Had never come across that word before. [did you have dinner with Marc Nash?]

    I always knew my monster was there. I have a wolf nose and I can smell him. Heck, I can tell that you had cool ranch doritos with dinner.....

  7. It sounds like your monster is your personal little death, which is why it watches over you so carefully your whole life.


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