Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Original Wearer of the Lampshade

When Jane rubbed the lamp, a genie did pop out, but at a sluggish pace. And it didn't look very happy to see her.

It asked in a moderately terrifying voice, "What are your questions?"

"Questions? Don't you grant wishes? The storybooks say genies grant wishes."

"I'm only in charge of answering questions, not advertising."

"Are you omniscient?"

"As omniscient as anything to date, yes. Even moreso than the internet, but a good deal less kinky."

"Are you sure you don't grant wishes?"

"If I did, I wouldn't live in a lamp."

"Well then... What's the secret of world peace?"

"There isn't one."

"Is there a cure for cancer?"

"Only one so far: death."

"That's not really a cure."

"That's not really a question."

"What good is a genie that only answers questions?"

"It can divine all the truths of the universe. It knows you better than you know yourself. It can, given time, explain away the sad values that might make you seek a genie that granted wishes, and accept the world as it is."

"That's good and all, but I only have one other question."

"And I already know it."


"Yes. You can find one of those other genies in the next lamp over."


  1. That genie has a good point and all, but if you happen to find a real Genie, send it my way, huh?

  2. For the original lampshade wearer this genie is sure no life of the party. Barbara Eden, now there was a good genie.

  3. Hehe...this made me smile. Good for nothing genie!

  4. "I'm only in charge of answering questions, not advertising." is my favorite line. Great piece! It made me laugh out loud for real, rather than the polite, if not typically altogether true, lol.

  5. Genies... Always tons of potential with genies, and yet, never enough good genie stories. This one? Definitely good.

  6. I don't know...I can think of several questions I could ask a genie. :) I really liked this one! Great writing as always!


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