Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Add Minister

“Believe it or not, Tadd didn’t even used to go to church. Three years straight without even a Christmas mass. The pedophile scandal, you know.”

“But that’s still going on. Why’d he come back?”

“I think it was his brother passing.”

“His deathbed wish was for Tadd make amends with The Lord?”

“I think his deathbed with was for a glass of water. Kidney problems took him, you know. But he did give Tadd his Bible.”

“So reading it turned him around? Catholics don’t even read the Bible.”

“I guess Tadd was a good Catholic. I never saw him open the thing. He just carried it around in his breast pocket. Only time I ever saw him take it out was to sign his lease against.”

“That’s not very spiritual.”

“I don’t think he was, either. Until he got shot.”

“Tadd Stephenson got shot? I’ve never heard this.”

“It was up in Michigan. He was mugged during a food drive, if you’ll believe it. Shot right in the chest. Right there.”

“And he always kept the Bible there! So it stopped the bullet and saved his life?”

“The bullet went right through. It was a very thin Bible.”

“It’s a miracle he didn’t die.”

“Not much of a miracle. He was in the hospital parking lot when he was shot.”

“Irony is a form of God’s miracles.”

“That’s not how he saw it. See, his friends kept his clothes. He gathered up all the shredded bits of scripture and realized how much was missing. He said all the missing bits had been carried by the bullet into his body, and were now in his bloodstream.”


“There were three months when he called his biceps Kings I and Kings II. Joined the seminary months later.”

“That is the dumbest. That can’t be what happened. If his brother gave him the dialogues of Schopenhauer, would his bloodstream have turned him into a raving atheist?”

“I don’t know how well Schopenhauer circulates. It might have to be taken orally.”


  1. This has become one of my favourites of yours. The dislogue was priceless, the food drive mugging was hilarious. Loved it all.

    Catholics don't read the bible. No sir. We need it shot into our blood stream. :)

  2. "Deathbed wish was for a glass of water."
    Like Laurita, I love this. It's really how people talk.

  3. I really have allot of respect for your blog. Your content is just so wonderful and amazing! Please keep it going!

  4. Shooting the scripture onto the bloodstream? John, I'm afraid you might have just given some random cult group a horrible idea for their next membership drive. He he.

    I loved the all-dialogue again. It definitely works, even with the humor (or especially with the humor?) and I'll definitely be careful next time I'm at a food drive.

  5. Good one! I'm with Chuck though, watch for Scripture injectors now....

  6. Too many good things about this dialog and story. Wonderful writing.

  7. Ha ha loved it! Loved the dialogue, it's just how you would imagine people to talk.

  8. Dead set, I am laughing out loud at this. Awesome.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  9. lol the last line is hilarious. Really like the idea of injecting the bible into the blood. LOL

  10. Last line got the loudest guffaw.


Counter est. March 2, 2008