Monday, June 11, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: But then you’ll marry your dog!

There’s an old chestnut in the Gay Marriage debate that, if we change the definition of marriage for this, then it can be changed for anything. If Aunt Sally marries Rebecca, then in another year Uncle Ron will marry his dog.

To this objection I say: let Uncle Ron marry his dog. Let everyone marry their dogs.

You cringe from human/dog marriage because you imagine the honeymoon. But friends, there are millions of pets in this country. If the owner wants to screw the pooch, he’s already doing it. In the privacy of his bedroom, or basement, or sound-proofed kennel, you really can’t catch or stop him. The inability to marry the dog isn’t stopping anyone.

Human/dog-marriage would simply give the dog a chance at half her owner’s stuff if he cheats on her. Now their romance will be public. You’ll know to watch out for that guy, both around his pets and the pets of others. If he’s a monogamous pet-porker, then he’s safe. Or maybe he’s not.

After all, you could turn it into the Benny Hill of laws, and anyone who applies for pet-marriage can be tossed in jail automatically, with their marriage license as evidence of bestiality. It depends how cheeky you feel your state’s Senate is.

And what if Uncle Ron and his dog have a fulfilling relationship together? I know plenty of crazy cat ladies. My sister sleeps with her pet cat in the same bed. They hug, they cuddle, and she even buys him more sweaters than she does for her actual boyfriend. The emotional link is already there. The sexual link isn’t there, but if it was? Then let her pay a fee at the courthouse and flag herself.


  1. Does the RSPCA know about this? LOL

  2. You make a compelling case. LOL

  3. No arguments here - perhaps because I could be classified as a crazy cat lady. Similar arguments could also apply for those men who are wedded already to their cars...

  4. It also seems like an argument based on fear, and there are far too many of those around these days.

  5. I was watching Colbert Report when he brought this up and played it up in usual fashion by shouting "Well if you love ice cream so much, why don't you marry it?" I just happened to be eating a bowl of ice cream at the time (cause i'm a hard-core addict) and shouted "DONE!" back at the tv. As soon as they legalize that kind of marriage, I'll be the first one in line.


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