Thursday, December 19, 2013

Lists of Other Magi

"If it’s really a second coming, he’ll need a bulletproof hummer. That’s my gift: the gift of not getting martyred again by some asshole on the way to work."

"You have no sense of tradition. Luckily, I have enough for both of us: I bought a pound of frankincense, a pound of myrrh, and a pound of gold. He’ll understand."

"I couldn’t afford any of those things with my job. I think those were all the magi could offer, so I’m offering him all I can: I’ll babysit whenever his parents are busy, and whenever he’s old enough, I’ll give him a hot home-cooked meal and host his first sleepover."

"Why do you think he’s going back as a boy? The Lord would take a woman’s shape based on the geo-political climate. I got her The Complete Joan Didion to prepare her."

"I also got her some books, but mine are about reincarnation and destiny. I’m not so much interested in teaching her about it as I am finding out what parts she thinks are BS. I figure I can write my own bestseller just based on that."

"I got him the same thing I have towards all men: good will."

"Why would he… Oh, smart ass. Well I got him an iPhone 5, and he’ll use it way more than your lousy good will gag."

"I hope that Jesus is a Droid man."

"I really hope He’s ambivalent about that stuff. But I can’t know what He’ll want for His first birthday back on earth, so instead I’ve bought some comfortable shoes, some instant coffee, and a lot of diapers. I’m buying presents that’ll be convenient for His parents, because this is going to be harder on them, at least for the first few years."

"Okay, but I’m still giving him or her A Charlie Brown Christmas."


  1. And now you have me wondering about the squabbles of the first Magi. And I am sure there were squabbles. Gift-giving is such a contentious business.

  2. Now that would be difficult to get just the right present - I'm going with the Chariie Brown Christmas ^_^ Merry Christmas John!

  3. Lol Jesus actually being given an iphone when it's commonly called the "jesus phone" by anti-apple people. Love it :)

  4. Hope he's a Droid man - funny!
    That was great, John. Merry Christmas.

  5. Ah, John, thanks so much for the smiles. :)

    Happy Christmas John. :)

  6. This was adorable! Monsterbat enjoyed this as well. :D

  7. Some wise men really aren't so wise? Fun story John! Merry Christmas!

  8. Always good for a smile and a chuckle!
    P.S... cookies?

  9. I suspect the iPhone and the hummer are probably the most useful of these presents. ;)

  10. Around 2000 some magazine asked a bunch of PR people to come up with a public image management plan for the Second Coming. They had a totally different list, but if you put your list and their list together, they would have gone together very well.

    Happy New Year!

  11. Aw I think the Charlie Brown present is the best idea!

  12. Loved this story. The Hummer reminded me of the first time the Pope appeard in the Popemobile. :-) I sent out a few cards with the Magi and their camels noting that Christmas is on Hump Day this year. Only my Mom laughed. Merry Christmas John!

  13. Droid man, no doubt! And good call on Charlie Brown. Happy holidays, John!


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