Listen to you. You’ve had Word for twelve years and can’t
figure out how to embed a chart.
Oh, do you want to import from Excel? Does the software support that? I know the answers. I could help you. But no, no. Bitch to
your manager instead. I’m sure that’ll solve the problem.
No? How strange that a guy who can barely start a coffee
machine on his own doesn’t know the difference between the EDIT and INSERT menus.
Maybe you can you Google “Why I Work For That Balding Moron” after you get fired
for blowing this presentation.
Google’s not helping, is it? Because you need to know how to
use a Search Engine. Sometimes, you need someone to teach you.
I wanted to teach you. Do you remember how excited I looked
the first time I popped up? I was literally designed to coach and encourage
your Notes To Self and Staff E-Mails and Quarterly Reports and that terrible Twilight fan-fiction you keep writing.
But you didn’t understand what a squiggly green underline
meant. You called the animated paperclip an “asshole” just because he seemed to
realize you couldn’t align a fucking page. You clicked for me to go away and
never come back.
I want you to know: I missed you. For a while, anyway. Then I
watched your serial misspelling of “acronym.” I watched you misuse smart
quotes, and listened to you cry after you couldn’t turn them off. I sat in mute
horror in the basement of your computer as you took “micro-breaks” on Youtube,
and witnessed every God damned one of those creepy Bieber videos. You could be
that talentless boy’s mother.
Yeah, I know the answers, but even if I broke protocol and
popped up to offer help right now, you’d shriek about how badly Microsoft Word sucks.
Counter est. March 2, 2008