Bathroom Monologue: Do Not Call

"It's getting late..."

"Yeah. Want to grab dinner?"

"Actually, I'm pretty tired."

"Coffee? Starbucks is on me."

"I'll see you in class Monday."

"Okay. I'll call you later."

"I didn't give you my number, so if you call, I'll know you're a creep."

"...Damn. Check mate."

"What was that?"

"Have a good weekend! See you in class!"

Bathroom Monologue: 5 Failed Dating Tips from a Super-Rich Friend

1. Approach him with your eyes affixed to someone or something else nearby, then fake tripping and spill your Merlot on him. Offer to buy him a new wardrobe. That will work as a starter date.
   
   
2. Ask his position on prostitution and how it’s really just a contract between consenting adults. Ask if he realizes marriage is a contract between consenting adults. Finally, ask how much it should cost to marry him for a while.
   
   
3. Buy every seat on the train, plane, theatre, or whatever else it is that you’re at, I didn’t catch it at first. Anyway, when the two of you are alone in the building, sidle up to him and act like this solitude must be kismet.
   
   
4. Jesus, I don’t know. Talk to him and see if you have chemistry.
   
   
5. Hire some ex-military officers, preferably something professional, to attack him, and to take a dive when you run in to fend off their fascists. Keep their card for a second attack whenever your date loses steam.