Friday, December 21, 2007

Bathroom Monologue: Fatal Corkboard

I mean, "Hellraiser" is pretty much a series of movies about a rubix cube of doom. There are bondage demons, but they are all captives of the rubix cube. Freddy Kruger's trademark is a glove. Yeah, it's a glove with knives on it, but he doesn't even need it with his dream powers. Isn't "Saw" just about a guy with far too much time, bear traps and real estate on his hands? "Friday the 13th?" Hockey Mask. "Child's Play?" A freaking baby doll of death. That's the trademark! It's a killer cabbage patch doll. I could take a cabbage patch doll in a fight! If you lay these things side-by-side, you’ll find that most horror movie trademarks aren't very scary. Rubix cube, hockey mask, baby doll. Shouldn't it be easier to come up with horror movie weapons and villains, then? Like, could I make corkboard scary? Could an undead serial killer stalk a half-naked movie star with his trusty Nintendo 64 in hand? It doesn't seem so. There must be some kind of code. But I'm going to crack it. Because when I do, it'll be the new dawn of product placement. iPods, pulp novels, and maybe a shredded 7-Up can used as a mask. I'll be rich. And no one will be safe to go in the water again...

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