Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Ways the World Could End

-The sun going supernova.
-The sun going red dwarf.
-The sun going for a closer look.
-Giant tectonic disruption splits the globe in half.
-Meteors (not like they haven’t tried before).
-Giant tectonic disruption splits the globe into fifths.
-Water decides to become flammable for a day.
-Ants continue to take grains of matter to build their hills, but decide to build them elsewhere (admittedly a slow method).
-Gravity's lease expires.
-Sauropods get another chance.
-Atlas shrugs.
-It orbits through a path clearly needed for a hyperspace bypass and is demolished.
-Self-replicating nanomachines dismantle the continents and oceans for parts.
-A race of nanoscopic vampires (nanopires) descends and drinks the world dry of the electrons.
-The event horizon of the nearest black hole expands upon some heretofore-unimaginable stimulation, swallowing this planet, the solar system and the galaxy in a single, soundless gulp, before we even know it is attracting us.
-The turtle on whose back the earth rests discovers its inhabitants have disproved her existence. And she doesn’t take it well.
-Evolution hits a stopping block and some offshoot of the primates develops technologically instead of genetically, and hit a similar point of retardation in their technological growth such that they rely on burning chemicals for energy until they irreversibly damage the environment.
-Global cooling.
-The vibrating energy that forms all matter destabilizes.
-The vibrating energy that forms all matter converges.
-The kid who set off the Big Bang comes back to clean up his mess.
-Paris Hilton doesn’t get what she wanted for her birthday.
-Every sentient being is simultaneously made painfully and overwhelmingly aware of how small and unimportant they are in the scheme of things, and made aware of the nearest tall bridge they might jump from.
-Mother Nature gets postpartum depression.
-The next being to hold the office of “God” is a solipsist.
-The office of “God” is dissolved into a democratic parliament, and some asshole filibusters.
-A being of such enormity that nothing on earth could even recognize its existence scratches the cosmos off his ass, inadvertently crushing us.
-We come into contact with extraterrestrial life, only to find they've been hiding as they know what we've done to every other living species we've encountered, and in their terror they open fire.
-A massive, unpredictable plague.
-A massive plague specifically designed by a particularly stupid but scientifically advanced species, which is bored with evolution’s progress and thinks it might be a good idea to create a plague to be used as a weapon against other members of their own species, witless that it might, just maybe, infect the creators too.
-Someone hits BACKSPACE one too many times.
-Time hits the end of the tape and the listener rewinds, inadvertently ending our world, but also restarting it.

1 comment:

  1. I adore this beyond words. Maybe I'll print it out and put it up on my wall.

    Cuz who doesn't need an amusing list of ways the world can end (so we don't have to keep focusing on the methods we're afraid will do it)?


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