Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Bathroom Sentences

-Vampires invented “Welcome” mats as a trick not just getting you to unwittingly invite them in, but to pay them for the opportunity.
-To conserve resources, sensory deprivation chambers will now be two people to a unit.
-Most things charged to Logic's account are fraudulent claims made by Sweeping Generalizations, who stole her pin number.
-“In this painting he appears to be force-feeding her a banana—OH GOD!”
-He had the expression of a physicist who has just accidentally disproved gravity.
-Stephen King is rolling over in his grave, largely because he's not dead and struggling to escape.
-“Funnier than a paraplegic grinning around a condom.”
-He who knows no bounds falls off a cliff.
-“How pretentious of a minister to tell us how to live our lives,” we say, pretending we don’t think we know how he should live his.
-Mr. Guillotine was ejected from the carnival after he got too into Whack-A-Mole and tried to pull one of them out of its hole for saying something disparaging about his mother.
-When you consider my misanthropy under the light that I am human, you’ll understand that my humility isn’t false at all.
-Falling is like flying until you hit the ground.
-Hiphop is not only dead, but vivified as a zombie that feasts on the flesh of living culture.
-The agnostic is a heretic to Islam, the anarchist is a heretic to democracy, but the individual is a heretic to everyone.
-Science is a bitch to Religion, but to be fair, Religion did beat her when they were married.
-“If you’re bipolar, please switch to the other pole.”
- He got the abridged audiobook, but it felt too much like cheating, so he listened to it twice to even things out.
-Octology: A new belief system positing that sports are actually defense mechanisms.
-Life is a series of “but,” “and,” the occasional “therefore,” and every so often, a “now.”
-“You seem to be arguing that the holes disprove the existence of the Swiss cheese.”
-"The orthodox believed the world would end in the year 1,000 or 2,000 because, apparently, God really fucking hated round numbers."
-The most painful part of scholarly studies is learning that people far smarter than you disagree with you.
-The most relieving part of scholarly studies is discovering that people far smarter than you disagree with each other.
-Real maturity is recognizing the overwhelming majority of what culture defines as maturity is conformist idiocy with which only the immature would comply.
-We knew the end was nigh when Richardson reached for the power switch and the supercomputer asked, “WHERE DO I GO WHEN YOU TURN ME OFF?”

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