Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Take the Other Side

Of all the controversies in abortion, none is so contentious as the decision of several fetuses to abort their mothers. These super-intelligent fetuses argue that they didn’t agree to be here and ought not to be the ones who get flushed. Their lawyers liken the current mother/fetus legal paradigm to slavery, with things only getting worse as they near birth and will soon have to deal with global warming, meteor showers and girls.

“It’s very stressful, thinking of living a life I didn’t ask for. I’m not a vengeful man yet, but the option to abort my mother for it seems fair,” said one fetus, by tapping Morse code on his mother's abdomen. The fetus is not anonymous by choice. His parents have not yet chosen a name. It is one of his many grievances.

His lawyer, Sherman Goldstein, argues, “If his mother has the right to abort him, then certainly he ought to have the right to abort her. That’s like saying only one combatant in a war has the right to shoot.”

Mr. Goldstein is currently arguing for fetuses to have the first choice on whether or not to abort mothers before the South Dakota Supreme Court. The Justices declined to comment.

A hotter judicial topic is late term mother-abortion, which is only legal in three countries, and only in cases that put the health of the fetus at risk. In one country this has recently been broadened to include mental health, a dangerous loophole as labor draws near and fetuses, as M.R.I. prenatal brain scans suggest, grow more nervous.

One mother argued her own case in a French court this April, claiming she feared her baby would terminate her just because she couldn’t promise that the doctor wouldn’t spank him. While not so extreme, other expecting mothers have resorted to contract negotiation, promising to carry the baby several trimesters after the expected term in compromise for a “cease fire” agreement.


  1. Reverse psychology. This is so weird. John? You rock.

  2. This has got to be the oddest take on abortion (and therefore the least-possibly offensive) I've ever read. Well done.


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