Friday, September 4, 2009

Have you seen my R.A.Q.? 2009 Edition

Shelly asks, "What made hats for men go out of style? Everyone used to wear hats all the time. What happened?"

-Sports happened. Baseball caps were cheaper, lighter and provided direct shade for the eyes, as well as allowing one to associate with any sort of team or brand. Soon they were further accessorized until they were the head covering of choice for their generation, and that generation grew up to set the standard. Unfortunately humanity soon realized baseball caps look exceedily lame on anyone besides a pitcher or a mechanic, and thus many abandoned hat-wearing entirely.

Max asks, "Is Hellboy Ron Perlman wearing a Hellboy suit? Or is Ron Perlman Hellboy, wearing a Ron Perlman suit?"

-If you've seen Perlman without make-up, you know he's Hellboy wearing a human suit.

Samari asks, "Who put the bop in "The Bop she bop" and why would they do that?"

-To enable that woman to live her dreams of performing a verb on a noun of the same name.

KingAC asks, “If you could be any contest from a VH1 Reality show, who would you be and why?”

-I would be the contest where nobody did anything annoying for half an hour (minus commercials). Though I suspect such a contest has never happened on a reality show, given the opportunity, I would will this into existence and then be it, for the good of my fellow man.

Cassie asks, “What happened to the vest? Is it due for a comeback?”

-The vest is part of a time when men cared about their appearance. Between the Woodstock anti-capitalist period and the Gangster lazy millionaire periods of American society, spending ridiculous amounts of money to look like you didn’t care how you looked took over. The vest was drugged by nudists, stabbed several times by apparel with logos on it, and ultimately thrown in a sack and tossed in the river by ironic t-shirts. Vests could make a comeback. So could Grigorii Rasputin.

Laurita asks, “What is your favourite use for socks?”

-I have a terrible allergy to cats. They drive up my asthma and touching their fur causes woeful hives. Prolonged exposure could be fatal. My favorite use for socks is to cover my hands so I can pet them, pick them up, and throw them outside.

Roscoe asks, "What were the Egyptians up to during the middle ages? From Cleopatra to the British Empire it's like they didn't exist."

-Mostly, Europe happened to them. After Queen Cleopatra the 7th played with some snakes, Octavian annexed Egypt as a Roman province. The Romans taxed the heck out of the native Egyptians, and both parties were pretty big dicks to the Jews. Christianity popped up, like it does. Then Islam popped up, in the form of people with weapons running into the country. They were repelled for a while, but eventually the European Byzantine Empire got distracted and the Muslims pretty much got the place by default (and by default, I mean a lot more bloodshed). Various Islamic powers passed Egypt around like a hot potato until the Turks buttered it and added it to the Ottoman Empire. Europeans came back a while later to find they didn't like the furniture and declared a whole bunch of crusades. Some crusades were Christian, many were financial, and one came in the form of Napolean saying he really liked Muhammad and his book. None lasted and eventually the British took over to set up the highly anticipated World War Trilogy, which as we all know, fell apart halfway through.

That's it for this year's RAQ. I'm off to celebrate my birthday (or sleep through most of it). The Comments section is active below and there's a Wishlist link on the right side of the site. Here's to another year of seeing if I can keep this daily thing up.


  1. Happy Birthday, sir. Congrats on another successful R.A.Q.

  2. Happy Birthday John!

    I have no idea what RAQ stands for...but this is hilarious. I'm not sure if your answer for socks or she bop is funnier.

    Go out and have some fun. You can sleep when your dead. ;)

  3. Happy Birthday, John!

    This was a great idea. Definitely a great R.A.Q.


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