Friday, November 6, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: In Defense of Snake Oil Salesmen

Listen to the audio version of "In Defense of Snake Oil Salesmen" or download the MP3 here.

I don’t know what everyone has against me. I am a snake oil salesman. If your snake gets dry, you oil it. My product has an obvious use, as a dry snake gets rashes, a snake with rashes gets irritable, and irritable snakes bite.

Look at any happy pet python. They glisten. And what do you think is glistening? Whale sperm? Marmalade? No! It’s snake oil. You apply the proper amount, the python gets a healthy sheen and doesn’t strangle you to death while you’re asleep.

So you see, my product has an obvious use. I charge reasonable prices. What? You say that’s overpriced? The bigotry against snake oil salesmen is atrocious in this country. Look here. I import my wares all the way from Ireland. Naturally it’s more expensive than the next man’s brand because of shipping and handling costs. This is quality stuff, for Ireland is home to the world’s healthiest serpents. Now you’re thinking Ireland doesn’t have any serpents at all on account of St. Patrick, but that’s untrue. Ireland has plenty of snakes. You simply never hear them because they’re so well oiled they don’t make any noise or trouble. It’s the world’s healthiest snake ecosystem, and I am selling you its lubricant at pennies over the wholesale cost. You can’t deny me that much profit, can you? I have many mouths to feed, and scales to grease.

13 comments:

  1. We don't want irritable snakes!
    Love it!

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  2. Well I'm sold!

    Very amusing tongue-in-cheek story.

    And you're right. I have a friend who sent away for emu oil from New Zealand. Don't ask.

    It was very expensive...

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  3. I liked the singsong feel to "mouths to feed ..scales to grease."

    Karen:0)

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  4. I guess people have forgotten how annoying a creaking snake is...

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  5. No dry snakes..only slimy ones. Great voice on the read. love it.

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  6. Great use of cliche figure to create a playful and interesting piece. Like Karen I think the sing song nature of some of the lines is ace.

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  7. only you could sale a tale like this, buddy. I'll take three cases.

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  8. I'm smiling. That was good. And the narration is pretty cool.

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  9. Glad I entertained you all! I don't know if Jodi's right and I'm the only one who could do this, but I sure wish more people would try regardless.

    Three cases coming right up.

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  10. Well, who could argue with logic like that??? lol, cute!

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  11. I love the way you take a cliche of sorts and twist it into something unique and fun. This brought a huge smile to my face, one I needed. Peace, Linda

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  12. A good salesman can sell even, well, snake oil. Good story.

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