Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Letter from Gorosaurus

Dear Toho,

My name is Gorosaurus. I'm a giant dinosaur that once did battle with King Kong. I am most famous for destroying the Arc de Triumph in France in Destroy All Monsters. It was the highlight of my career, but also the epitome of it: Japanese and American audiences watched me trashing that French landmark simultaneously wondered who I was and what that building was.

I appreciate all the work you’ve thrown me over the years. Being that my only talent is a jumpkick, one would think I’d be done for after one movie, especially considering how badly Kong beat me up.

That’s why I’m writing. I can’t get anymore famous than I am write now with my current skill set. As it is, I’m a budget Godzilla. I look more like a t-rex than he does, leaving me more generic. I don’t have the neat spines on my back, I’m not as tall, and I can’t breathe fire. Over time I’ve noticed you granting Godzilla additional powers, like turning him into a giant magnet to mess with Mechagodzilla, or making him be able to heal from any wound with “Regenerator G.” These are insulting to science. Toho, please let me insult science too.

I don’t have to fly, though I’d like that. How about telekinesis? Maybe it’s the secret reason I can jumpkick despite having such fat legs. I haven’t seen a giant monster with telekinesis lately, and certainly a t-rex that can move things with his mind is interesting. Imagine Thai citizens fleeing in terror down the streets of Chiang Mai, only to suddenly float off the ground and fly into my mouth. You could base a whole movie around that kind of thing.

Also, I’d like to attack Thailand. Korea has a giant monster now with The Host, but us Japanese beasts are pretty isolated to islands and frozen wildernesses. Thailand could use the attention. I’m sure they’d sacrifice a few buildings to a giant monster battle in return for tourism.


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