Sunday, November 21, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Stay Where You Are, OR, Composed during a bathroom break from Marathon Man

Want to hear today's monologue? Either click the triangle on the left to begin streaming audio, or click this text to download the MP3.

Stay where you are! Both of you. I said stay! No, I don’t care that you’re not with him – I don’t care who sent either of you. I’ve got a gun and even if you’ve got something, I’ll shoot at least one of you first. Faster than me, smarter than me, more than me, but this is pointed at you two. So stay where you are.

Good. That’s good.

Uh. Hands up. Yeah. Take off your jackets. Shrug them off. I know I said hands up, but take them off! One at a time. First you. Move and I’ll shoot. No, I know what I said, take it off! Drop it in the mud. Who cares how expensive it was, I said drop it.

That’s good. For what it’s worth, it did look nice.

Now you. Take it off slowly.


I knew it. You’d have gone for that gun, wouldn’t you? Do it now and I’ll shoot.

Okay. Reach behind yourself and unfasten the holster. Slower. Let it fall. Now kick it halfway to me. If you grab it or kick it into me, I will blow the top of your head off. Swear to God.

There. Okay.

Both of you step out of your shoes. Kick them off. I don’t care if your socks get dirty. Do it.

I don’t care if you’re not with him. Why would I care? One or both of you has been chasing me all fucking day and now… Now, you know what? Rub your feet in the mud. Do it or I’ll shoot right in the socks. Both of you. He was an ass and now you’re both going to have disgusting toes.

You wouldn’t be willing to admit who sent you, right?

No, of course. It’s all a misunderstanding. My car always blows up in this kind of weather. Shut up. We’re almost done.

Whichever department sent you. I don’t have anything against you guys personally outside of being scared shitless. I just want you to know that, and to wish you the best of luck chasing me with no guns or shoes. Please stay where you are at least until I’m out of eyesight, or I really will shoot you.


  1. Nice monologue...though he hasn't got the brevity of James Bond.

  2. Okay, I actually broke down and listened to that one rather than reading it. I was giggling the whole way through. "Disgusting toes" - you're just too much, John. big goofy grin face

  3. Alan, he is definitely no James Bond. He is similarly expected to die, though.

    Danni, thanks for giving it a listen. Glad you liked what you heard. It was fun to record somebody who stammers and talks over himself.

  4. Hehe. Gotta love a goofy potential maniac; right? Great work!

  5. As much as I love reading your stories, the audio versions are stellar. Hilarious!


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