Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: The iBelieve

To hear today's blasphemy either click the triangle on the left to begin streaming audio or click this text to download the MP3.

Your religion needs an update, Father. This crucifix. Yes, it's a cross, and the image of Christ suffering for mortal sins, but those are just two functions, and most consumers see them as one. Single-use devices are unfashionable. Can't it be a keychain, too? Put a bottle opener at your Savior's feet. Can't this thing play music? I've seen MP3 players and flash drives smaller than this. You could fit a terabyte in Jesus's chest. It needs WiFi; pray with the rosary beads, fine, but get some Facebook integration so God can Like your best prayers on your Wall. Twitter integration, for short requests and pithy spiritual thoughts. Boundless functionality. Auto-updates. The Vatican authorizes new canon and bang, streamed straight to your personal iconography. Launch it next month. A new model next year. Make people feel like they've got outdated faithware. If you can't make Steve Jobs convert, you can at least convert his methods. You're not going to Hell because you don't have one; life is Hell because you don't have one. The iChrist. The iBelieve. Think about it.


  1. Don't laugh - something like this is probably already in the works! Enjoyed your reading, btw.

  2. "Make people feel like they've got outdated faithware."

    HAHA! As if Christianity is not marketed well enough already.

  3. I guess religion needs a little more R&D, eh. This flash is sad, but much too true nowadays. Plus it's darn entertaining. I seriously enjoyed this.

  4. Har. Nice poke at the integration of religion and technology marketing. And on a Sunday. You're gonna burn for this, my friend (at least I won't be alone...)

    Word Ver: logicare

  5. The Facebook and outdated faithware are brilliant.

  6. Okay, now I want God to 'LIKE' my FB page.

    *LOVED* this!


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