Sunday, May 15, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: One Thousand, Nine-Hundred and Eighty-Four Good Reasons

To listen to this 'advert,' either click the triangle on the left to begin streaming or click this text to download the MP3.

Every year millions of people are the victims of identity fraud. The M.O.P is the leading organization in the fight against fraud and duplicity.

Afraid your computer will be stolen or destroyed in a fire? Our cloud computing solutions back up your files every five minutes in three separate locations around the hemisphere, and tracking protocols will locate the missing electronics within minutes of notification.

Afraid your social security number will be forged by criminals or illegal immigrants? We lock in your personal information and track every occurrence of it in every system, governmental and private, in the world. You’ll receive a discrete call or text message the instant tampering is suspected. You won’t even have to notify us if you change phone numbers, because M.O.P. will already know.

Afraid you or your loved ones may become lost or kidnapped? Some advanced M.O.P. packages include tracking chips that perpetually chart the motion of yourself or your loved ones, easily implanted within the flesh or simply activated in your GPS-ready phone.

The basic M.O.P. package includes a viewing screen in every major room of your home and place of work. It’s silently installed into most major electronics, including high definition televisions, laptops and monitors. At random, crime-proof intervals a M.O.P. superior can tune in to observe your space to ensure safety. Think of him as your big brother, always checking in case of a break-in, health emergency or other concerning activity.

E-contracts updated daily.
Please read Terms of Service before complying.


  1. Well, when you put it that way...

    This should be a public service announcement, John. Then it can be properly ignored by the citizens who will bleat about government take-over while they continue to plug into the system.

    Excellent! *shudders*

  2. Har! 1984 good reasons, eh?

    The excelleration of technological 'improvements' in the past several years has me yearning for a simpler time.

    I'm *shuddering* along with Laura. Perhaps it's because we can remember the 'good old days' prior to home computers and cell phones...

    Holy S%#&! I'm THAT old!

  3. Ha ha! Funny and scary at the same time. I love the subtle references and the fine print was classic! Great job, John.

  4. "You won’t even have to notify us if you change phone numbers, because M.O.P. will already know."

    This is frightening real, John.

  5. I agree with Laura's comment - there lies the crux of the problem.

    In so many ways I think we're living in this world, and have been for some time.

  6. Oh yeah. I've already signed up. Now, when I forget who I am, I know there's someone else somewhere else who does. I sleep so much better.

  7. Ahhh, now I feel safe - except for that creepy feeling that someone is watching me...

    A nice dose of your clever wit, John.


Counter est. March 2, 2008