Friday, June 17, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Possible Origins for Him. 16.


The order was to maim him emotionally, not to terminate. Back then, he and the Kitty-Kat had a litter, and one of the girls grew up to play superhero. An easy dig. She danced across the rooftops, her purple spandex shimmering in the pale moonlight. She had one of those domino masks. I lined it up like a target: in one eye and out the other. I adjusted the butt in the crook of my shoulder and wormed my eye into the scope. My finger stroked for the trigger. And then…

I squeezed on thick air. It was thick – no cool breeze of a skyline, but the mold of a padded room. My cheek rested on a cushion, my eye lined up with a buttonhole. There was a little slot in the door you could see out. Across the hall, a man looked out his slot and babbled about the importance of today’s date.

“April Fool’s Day. Mark your calendar.”

If you visit that asylum today, it’s got bulletproofed glass walls. No singular doors with slots. I don’t even think the calendar guy exists anymore. The purple spandex girl isn't somersaulting around anywhere, either. Everything's new, except me.

He's still flapping around the belfry. Hates me every time. How much angrier he’d be if he could remember all the times I’ve killed his kids. Instead, he’s grumpy over things I never did. Keeps trying to psychoanalyze me with history that never happened. Who gives a damn about psychiatry? Last time, I seduced a psychiatrist into a sidekick. I think she’s on Suicide Girls now. Not sure what our relationship is supposed to be.

I have no problem hating him back. Self-righteousness in a drab wardrobe. If you stretch your mind, you’ll remember me fighting him in Spring of nineteen-forty. But go to the local archives of your favorite metropolitan paper of record, and the first headline that mentions either of us is from nineteen-eighty-seven. Did every journalist miss forty-seven years of a blood feud? Were they all home sick the times I actually killed him?

You don’t believe me because I smile too much and am too white. Permanently pale, except at least twice, this was make-up. It damned sure was originally. But fine, I embrace the life of an entertainer and that somehow makes me unreliable. There’s a punk out there now – I beat him into a bloody paste, then blew up the building for good measure. Today he’s skipping along the rooftops with vigilante strippers. And I’m the crazy one?

Here’s my litmus test for madness.

Do you remember when he drove everywhere in a blue car with eyes for headlights?

Do you remember when the Amazons wiped out Washington, D.C.? Because I do. Dislocated three ribs laughing. They still ache at the sight of a magic bustier.

Do you remember when I finally offed him? Thought that was actually the purpose of all this. On top of the WayneTech Building, every floor wired to blow, showering the highways with glass as I strangled him and he struggled not to slit my throat with a batarang. We were both carried aloft by the explosion and his cape. We were both dead before we even began to fall.

Never got to finish that fall, neither. I landed in a brightly-lit subterranean office, talking to Lex Luthor about forming a league of villains. There was a wall of monitors behind my head. To my immediate left, Groundhog’s Day was on.

If Bill Murray has taught me anything, it’s that my purpose in life is not killing one man. The three other times I’ve done it and didn’t stop the universe rebooting were just scientific confirmation.

My purpose is about a fuller experience. It’s kryptonite smiley faces, crippled sidekicks and poisoned water supplies. It’s about a joyous history of histories. It’s about spending as much of my account as I can before God changes banks on me.

As a little boy I always thought science was the best evidence of God. Atoms are the smallest. No, electrons are. No, gluons. Time’s linear. Or it bends. Or it forks. Or it’s a web. He makes it up as He goes along, and we just presume that’s the way it always was since that makes you look sane to the others.

In a year, or five years, or ten years, you won’t even remember we had this conversation. I’m going to blow your head off, and maybe next week God will get bored and you’ll pop up as mayor. And you’ll pour tax payer money into a committee to discover why my fingerprints and DNA aren’t on record, groping after an origin story that got erased decades ago.

Yeah, I’m the crazy one because I remember back when he had just one sidekick and JFK’s assassination made sense. You all go on pretending this is how it’s always been and I’m just a pathetic headcase. I don’t suffer from this insanity. I enjoy the clarity.

39 comments:

  1. I'm reading this and all the time I'm reading it I can't get the 'Joker' out of my head. This character gave me the impression of madness and sanity all wrap into one.

    Perhaps I'm missing the point here?

    helen-scribbles.com

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  2. Helen, he ought to sound familiar. He is the Joker. The series is about his possible origins, all explained by the man himself.

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  3. Ah so I wasn't too far off in my thinking - I'm a bit dim at times, you must forgive me. :O)

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  4. You're very good at putting yourself in another man's shoes. I've noticed that a lot with your work. Do you act as well as write? Really good.

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  5. Time as a web? Oooh. Oooooh. That's got the cogs a-whirring.

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  6. I definitely got the Joker feel, I actually really liked the stream of consciousness thinking, that oh-so-sure-of-himself smugness characteristic of villains. Thanks!

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  7. great read.. now i am ready for the padded room.. loved your version filled with color..

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  8. John, I do believe this is one of your best. You have that voice down-pat, to a tee, Nailed! I too love the Time as a web line. Fantastic work!

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  9. Great job once again John! The voice sounds like an older Joker this time and I'm guessing this is intentional. Very good narration!

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  10. Henrietta, I've never acted except in college classes, and even then I never took the stage. This sort of stuff really helps limber the mind for writing, I find. So you enjoyed the recording?

    Mazz, what a tangled time we weave when first we practice to retcon.

    Stacey Foregone, do you mind if I call you that? It'd make such a neat pen name. He is pretty sure of his impossible story, isn't he?

    Mr. Solender, any particular 'colors' you liked?

    Deanna, it began as a Tim Curry impression, then warped as I went along. Fun to do, even if I need an entire pot of tea now.

    Harry, according to him he's been around for seventy years, so even if he's spry he should sound a bit older. Thank you - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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  11. I would think after all this time he would realize that the newspapers never get it right.

    I'm enjoying this series.

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  12. Funny, I was picking blackberries out back yesterday evening, and an idea came to me about a "possible origin" for you — and here's one for real!

    These just get better all the time, I swear.

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  13. Tim Van Sant, glad you're enjoying the series. He may recognize newspapers are often wrong, but his disappointment seems to survive reboots.

    Mr. FAR, was it an origin for my narrator or for me myself? I'm curious what origin you think I have.

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  14. Origin for your narrator. In my mind, your own origin is from Mr. & Mrs. Wiswell. :-P

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  15. Oh yes! The only one to really remember across reboots. Now, that would drive someone mad.

    I loved the flow through all of this. Great images throughout.

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  16. Well the guy is sure he's right! and the stuff about white makeup - all I can see is the joker being interviewed and saying all this on camera.

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  17. Enjoying these...keep it coming.

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  18. A recurrent actor on the karmic wheel... does a good job of explaining the decades of fighting over the streets of Gotham.

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  19. Omg, that was awesome. I love the cackle at the end. :)

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  20. Man, you were really able to get in the Joker's head and drag me in with you.

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  21. Mr. FAR, I challenge you to prove that.

    Kevin, I'm curious, did you have any favorite images?

    Sonia, it is first person from his perspective, so that's a reasonable response.

    Lara and Tony, there's at least one more in the stables. Possibly three. Glad you liked this one.

    Ganymeder, I was afraid it might be too much. That's at least one vote that I was pleasantly wrong. Thanks!

    WJ, it's fun to mess around in there. Have you read or listened to the previous installments?

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  22. The Joker, nice capture John, I always thought of him as a blend of insanity and genius. The Joker is probably my favourite character in the Batman stories, Jack Nicholson's Joker is the one I like the most.

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  23. This one is by far your best yet. Can't actually express how much I loved this one.

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  24. Steve, Nicholson's is my favorite of the screen Jokers. All my attempts to channel him have failed. The only one who tops him is the animated Hammill voice. Gosh, what a laugh.

    Icy, did you listen, or are you responding just to the text? Very curious!

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  25. I can actually hear that crazy clown, john... That was geektastic. Very nerdgasm-worthy... Bravo.

    Gonna listen to your read now...

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  26. I listened and my husband was in the room. He said, "I'd love to hear that voice read Dr. Suess--wouldn't 'Green Eggs and Ham' be awesome with that voice?"

    Joker popped in and the references and imagery were superb.

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  27. "He makes it up as He goes along, and we just presume that’s the way it always was since that makes you look sane to the others."

    What a great line, John. There are some things that just don't make sense, no matter what we think.

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  28. Fascinating piece of writing. I really enjoyed this!

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  29. Anthony, what did you wind up thinking about my recording? Particularly curious since on your reading you seemed to hear the crazy clown come out.

    Peggy, that would be so funny! Let's see what I can do about that. Are the Dr. Suess books in public domain?

    Stephen, it is a problem, for authors and characters alike.

    Nicole, thanks for stopping by!

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  30. Beautiful. I love the way it warps madness into the end making me believe in parallel universes.

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  31. This was superb. I got the Joker right away (HUGE all-things-Batman fan). The voice -- pitch-perfect. Peace...

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  32. The history of histories; remarkable conceit. You have also balanced the (in)sanity of the character so well.
    Adam B @revhappiness

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  33. Aidan, so you're a believer in quantums now?

    Linda, I'd hope by episode sixteen people would pick up his clown-ness! Glad you liked the voice. It was hard on the throat.

    Adam, thanks for stopping by! Glad you enjoyed this entry.

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  34. BRILLIANT! I read it then listened to it and the audio gives even more impact and imagery - great work, again :)

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  35. I wasn't sure where you were going at first but I was in for the ride because, well, your writing and my reading have a history.

    You've got this character's imbalance between insanities nailed to the fence he teeters on. Nice job and thanks.

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  36. Ohhhh, the laughter in the end is perfect. Just perfect! Too bad it hurt so bad your throat, or I'd suggest you added it to other possible origins.

    Cool idea of him remembering all the incoherent changes in the DC universe. Anyone would get crazy, that's for sure.

    p.s.: Is your throat better yet?

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  37. Haze, glad the audio had such impact for you! Really appreciate the kind words.

    Donald, it is arguably the most messed up opening to any of the Possible Origins. Thank you for sticking through it.

    Mari, two pots of tea and two nights later, the throat is about back to normal. It was only really rough the next morning. Thanks for checking on me!

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  38. AH HA! I almost figured out what this is talking about. So confused! :) Definitely deserves another read.

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  39. Aahh. Such a relief to see the Joker talking again. He's a true villian. Total nutcase who makes sense.

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