Thursday, April 26, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Bedside Anthropology Redux

We can deduce a lot about this culture from its bedding. Note that the Single Mattress, presumably intended for one person, is 39 inches wide. The Double Mattress, which must have been intended for two people, is 54 inches, which suggests and twins and most married couples must have been grossly malnourished to enable both people to fit on it overnight. And yet the Queen Mattress is 60 inches, suggesting female monarchs must have been morbidly obese, requiring more sleeping space than an entire married couple. Considering the humans evolved on the same planet as bees and bees have enormous queens, it is possible they had a similar gorging impulse as the insects. One would expect male tyrants to exhibit similar gluttony, but the King Mattress is only 76 inches – suggesting that a married king would only have 16 inches of sleeping width to himself if he were to ever sleep with his wife, and considering the importance of queens in the reproductive habits of other species, he must have done so frequently. What a terrible and tiny existence kings must have led after dark, and at the dining table.


  1. Ah, but you've failed to mention the length. The enormous queen must still be short, whereas the malnourished king was still considered quite tall. Therefore, when the king entertains the queen in his bed, he could conceivably lie across the bottom portion as well, thereby adding additional sleeping space in the form of an "L". ;)

    A to Z of Immortals, Myths & Legends

  2. This anthropologist's deductions are quite funny.

  3. Do I hear any statistics for the Emperor's Bed? Or is it like his clothing?

  4. If the king wants to reproduce he doesn't need any extra width on the bed. ;) Right?

    It's only if they want to sleep in the bed afterwards that there's a problem.

  5. I once shared a king-size bed with another couple and I found it large enough for the three of us to sleep comfortably. No reproduction was attempted though.


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