Monday, September 24, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Nine Pointers to My Younger Self About Love

1. Just be yourself. This is not because women will be attracted to who you actually are – it is that they will not be attracted to your fake selves either, and pretending will do long term mental damage to you. If you are just yourself, you will be slightly mentally healthier with no real variation in your chances at a relationship. Also, you could exercise more.

2. She has never “got it.” Go pick it up for her right now.

3. If you are waiting for her to ask, she is waiting for you to ask.

4. Never call her on her shit. Don’t expose the “got it” routine, or her waiting to be asked. Silently play along. You cannot win the fight that will ensue. There are only various flavors of losing.

5. Don’t worry so much about shared interests. Beyond the necessary few around which you’ll bond, she only has to be willing to give you the space you need to enjoy stuff alone. Meanwhile, you should engage in lots of her favorite passive activities, like holding yarn while she knits or watching Dr. Who. You will rapidly develop the life skill of being able to mentally tune out while sitting, enabling you to endure anything that pleases her. You’ll be able to sit outside a theatre during Winter for three hours for movie tickets and not really mind. Feel free to let her think you mind and she owes you, but do so in moderation.

6. You are expected to be single-minded. When she wants to fuck, this should be all you desire. When she wants to go to bed, you should be narcoleptic. When she wants to talk, you should be able to parse her tone to figure out subjects. She is the diverse unique butterfly. You are pollen. Harbor a complex internal life so that romance does not kill your soul, but recognize that at any given time she thinks all men are idiots and does not trust you with two motivations at the same time, nor does she like the idea of you having any other motivation than the one she wants you to have.

7. 1-6 are void if she feels like it.

8. Society scorns sexually inactive men. Single women are sad; single men are faggot assholes who are less than human. A female virgin is, at worst, annoying to the man who is failing to get into her panties. A male virgin can be pulling a bus load nuns out of a fire and people will still go, “Yeah, but...” If your experiences lead you to desire being single or celibate, then consider how much you like society. If your experiences lead you to feel society is full of people you’d rather never see again anyway, then feel free to abstain from romance. You can’t stay asleep in a bed with another person anyway.

9. 8 is void if she feels like it. You better have those tickets.


  1. I like that you tagged this as "Humour?" I like 6 and 8 and the fact that they are possibly void.

    Also, there are various flavours of winning. My favourite is smug. Tastes like chocolate.

  2. I'm glad my younger self doesn't ask for advice about love. Functional analogs of my younger self, however, eventually will need some, however awkward the conversation might be for them.

    When the time comes, I'll keep this post in mind.

  3. See, you do have a heart, John. It's just been reduced to a orange-Crush-flavored, love-hating puddle that devours all things romantic. You should flaunt that side of yourself more. Girls love a good challenge.

    1. Haha, flaunt that damaged and conflictive side more?

  4. I'd sum it up in two sentences to my younger self: If she isn't willing to be genuine, then walk away. Your dad was a loner, his dad was a loner, and you would be much happier embracing your genetic heritage.

  5. What I found interesting about these is that you can change "she" to "he" and not have to change anything else in the list to make it applicable. (Okay, maybe not #8 entirely per your points. But a lot of it.)

    Did you notice when you were writing it how much is about walking on eggshells?

    1. Certainly did notice, Katherine! I think a lot of romantic tension for both sexes is about walking on the same bed of shells.

  6. I'm with Katherine on this, I think you did a good job of not being sexist! I hadn't noticed this was tagged as humour at first, so I read it as if it was you being honest. Got suspicious around point 4! Not sure what that says about my opinion of you (or about me) but there it is.

  7. You only forgot one thing. the sense of smell...if, in the long run, you two don't like the way each other smells, it won't work. I have been married twice, and I know this to be true. Jim smells really good to me. When I first started dating him, I asked him, "mmmm you smell so good! What IS that?" Jim answered, "Bounce".

    jean yates


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