Bathroom Monologue: Go to Hell

"Choooo!"

"Oh, God bless you."

"Ah. Ah, go to Hell."

"What?"

"Go to Hell. What's wrong with that? Hell's the absence of God, and God's not real, so we're already there. It's a meaningless saying, like 'God bless you.'"

"Oh, go fuck yourself."

"Now that's rude."

"Not really. You clearly enjoy masturbatory nonsense, so I'm pretty much telling you to do what you're already doing. Peace be with you."

Bathroom Monologue: Atheist’s Prayer Equivalent

During my most recent medical emergency, several of my Christian friends publicly announced they’d pray for me. When this happens, there’s always at least one atheist friend who, usually when we’re alone, asks what he or she is supposed to do. In today’s case, it was a ‘she’ who feared she fell short as a buddy because she wasn’t paging a higher power to fix me.

I always have the same answer, and was honestly looking forward to delivering it this time.

“Do a fundraiser? After all, money is a higher power you believe in.”

Like these friends typically do, she got really mad at me. She ranted about delusions and fooling yourself and how she’d have to do actual work. She, like most of my friends in this circumstance, switched from feeling bad for me to feeling angry with me. Her apparent inadequacy disappeared in a puff of self-righteousness.

It always fixes them. It’s good to give.