Bathroom Monologue: Political Hat Trick #3

1. Survey the general desires of the nation. Doesn’t matter if they are rational, realistic, or if you share them.
2. Promise something huge relating to these desires, which you probably can’t accomplish and have no serious intent of pursuing (end a war, reverse damage to the environment).
3. Attack the most a) unpopular and/or b) famous incumbent politicians who in any way disagree with the aim of your promise. If they are not earnestly opposed to it, portray them as such. If possible, vilify them entirely.
4. Balance a perception of being “outside” the system with the perception of being effective within it.
5. Dodge queries on any other political issues, or tie them into your central promise and/or the general vilification of your rivals.
6. Ride the promise to victory and public office.
7. Have ad firms and public relations jockeys divert attention from the matter with which your promise was concerned. At this stage you may have to make a small concession to the perception of the promise (give a little money to that cause, bring a couple of “our boys” home – be sure to be photographed with them if you do).
8. As years pass without good coming of the promise, hire pundits to blame he voters for being dumb enough to vote for something so unrealistic or implausible. Simultaneously sift into the background of politics, only surfacing to be seen near to (or thought of as related to) something generally positive within politics, whether or not you worked on it. It doesn't even have to be related to your branch of government.
9. In case someone might catch up to you as a new anti-incumbent, tout your a) record and/or b) experience from time in office. Vilify their a) lack of a record or b) record. If all else fails, find or create a new issue to make a promise about (immigration, globalization, robot invasion).

Bathroom Monologue: Bathroom Monologue to a Present

“This is what’s best for you. I realize that you are a teddy bear and cannot think, but I can’t help anthropomorphizing you. I am a human with a little human brain, and all it does is looks at things, remembers things and makes little models of itself in everything it sees and remembers. Fortunately if you are a little me then you should like your new owner, my aunt. She loves stuffed animals. Has bushels of them. You’ll have plenty of company. Of course, I wouldn’t want to be owned by her… She’s nice, but slavery? That’s a bit much. And Lord knows what your little button eyes will see over the years if she keeps you in her bedroom. Alternatively, you could spend eternity in a box in her attic. How can I do this to you? I’m a monster… Oops. Now you’ve accidentally been bumped against the toilet. Unsanitary. It would be disgusting to give you to her now. I’ll her a card instead. One with a bear on it.”

Bathroom Monologue: “Minds are like parachutes: they only work when they are open.” –Thomas Dewar

So apparently minds only go down, and once they hit the ground they need to be dragged and are a pain to bring anywhere. In fact once your mind has saved you from certain death (if you’d used it before, maybe you wouldn’t have out of a plane), it’s probably wisest to detach it and walk away. Alternatively, you can stuff it back in its container and wait for the next time you’re dumb enough to fall to certain death, and which point you can yank the cord. Until then, carry it around and don’t touch it. You might activate it by mistake.

Bathroom Monologues: Signs of a Man Who was Broke at Some Point

-Tears tissues in half at the fold so he can use one item twice
-Orders a plain hamburger because, “I can remember the taste of cheese while I eat”
-Compliments the aroma of your pet food
-Always counts his change before pocketing it
-Not only tells you to put cans in the recycling bin, but will pick them out of the garbage can if you forget
-Doesn’t destroy cobwebs immediately because, “I want to see what she’s doing with this one first”
-Knows how long the food in your freezer will stay fresh if the power goes out, or if it’s unplugged
-Knows the figure you’ll save per week if you quit smoking (and has a questionable algorithm that shows how much you’ll save into the next year as the addiction grows stronger)
-Nothing is ever broken, just in need of duct tape

Holding it because I don’t trust that smell in the Metro car’s bathroom Monologue

He’s got a textbook. He’s got a thick paperback, something about Ireland. He’s got a newspaper. Looks like everyone is letting someone else do their writing and thinking today. Here’s another guy with a newspaper. Here’s a woman with a romance. He’s napping, and the rest are staring into blank space. I’ve got a marble composition book, in which I’m writing rather reading. Would the world be a better place if people wrote more on trains than they read, or am I just feeling defensive? Funny are the things that make me feel like a freak. Oh, wait! She’s coming along with a pen and paper… round paper… a paper cup. Of coffee. And it’s a straw, not a pen. Wait, wait, that girl has a book. Something called The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, which is too thick to be brief at all… and which she is safely stowing overhead so that she won’t have to read a line of it. At least Ireland Guy was actually reading.

Bathroom Monologue: Cube Earthers

For all the crap flat earthers catch, you'd think cube earthers would at least get some attention. These cutting edge conspiracy theorists believe photos of the round earth are the result of round camera lenses, and have been demanding a space program take their special quadrilateralcams (TM) for an unbiased view. Critics point out that each camera costs several hundred million euros despite parts running at a few hundred euros in total, and that the entire belief system is a ploy for cash. When asked, cube earthers will generally change the subject to explain how crossing the edges of the earth is the leading cause of turbulence, or how the supposedly circular sun is an optical illusion caused largely by social pressures.

Bathroom Monologue: Crap Logic

If: Socrates was a man.
And: All men are mortal.
Then: Socrates was a woman?