Saturday, August 30, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Ropp On, Goblin Boy

“I think it’s you guys that are taking this too seriously. It’s just life. Life itself is so implausible that it probably isn’t even real. All matter was in a big ball and then banged, expanding into an infinite void and just so happened to congeal into fiery spheroids, destructively dense spheroids and planets, and the planets all just so happened to fall into orbit around the fiery and destructive spheroids instead of getting sucked straight in, and on those planets the surface matter just so happened to align into chemicals, meaning the little balls that were atoms formed little globs of chemicals, and all those globs just so happened to rub against each other and form stable proteins chains that could survive and reproduce, and all of those little chains of littler globs of still littler balls just so happened to keep reproducing and banging off the walls of probability on planets whose environments flipped horizontally and vertically, heat-wise and air-wise, magnetically and tectonically, and managed to come through that not only covering the surface of that planet, but some of life was actually developed enough to be aware of the nonsense that was going on. If someone designed it, He’s nuts. If nothing designed it, then it’s even more nuts. Don’t tell me I’m not taking things seriously enough. You guys are crazy to go through this with a straight face.”

And with that, Ropp returned to playing his tuba for the canaries.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Dear All Other Monsters

Why do I always get dragged into these things? All I do is fly! Sometimes I fly into things, which I guess hurts, but it hurts me more than them. If my exoskeleton cracks I’m pretty much screwed. If my wing gets clipped I’m pretty much screwed. And then my kids save the day, by spitting silk. Why can’t I spit silk? The lizard spits fire! Fire, which is bright and causes me to go fly into it. It’s not fair. Let the giant monkey fight the giant lizard. Let the giant three-headed dragon do the fighting. Hell, don’t tell them I said this, but let my kids go instead of me. They always get the job done while I die. Let me stay at home with my plants! I’m always there, pruning my new banzai tree, the phone rings, and I shred the thing. Do you know how hard it is to tend a banzai without fingers?

Being a giant moth sucks.

Leave me alone,

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Dear Godzilla

I’m not afraid of you, you giant lizard. Dinosaurs went extinct for a reason. You’re the last of a dead breed and it’s up to me to finish the job. My ancestors survived the KT impact. You think a little radiation scares me? I’m a giant fucking gorilla. I probably have uranium in my morning cereal. You’re so big? You think that scares me? Maybe you haven’t been watching the remakes, but I took on three t-rexes at the same time and won with my 21st century ninja skills. It’s not just dinosaurs and savages on my home island, bitch. It’s ninjas. I’m a giant ninja gorilla and mama said knock you out.

For reals,

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Dear Kong

I don’t want to fight you. It’s going to end with me picking your remains out of my toes, and I really don’t want to do that since I can’t reach down there. I don’t have the dexterity of a primate, since I’m an antediluvian sauropod. I know you think you’re good in there against dinosaurs. I saw you fight a t-rex and you were very impressive, but you’ve got to understand that I’m not a t-rex. A t-rex comes up to my shin. You climbed the Empire State Building, but I’d probably just knock it over, or breath on it and set it on fire. That’s the size and power difference we’re talking about here, ignoring that I’m so radioactive that if by some miracle you did actually win you’d probably die of cancerous tumors days later. I don’t want that for you. Despite my reputation I am a peaceful creature. I have a son now and am trying to build a respectable life. So please, for your own health, back the fuck off you dumb monkey.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Gaming New Update

"360-exclusive GTA4 content to add 15 hours of gameplay. 95% of GTA4 owners suddenly reminded they didn't finish the game."

Bathroom Monologue: Innocence is Wasted on the Stupid, OR, A Crayon Note of Sincere Apology

Brianna was mortified to learn her favorite breakfast, scrambled eggs, were actually baby birds. She felt particular sorrow for the mommy bird. That afternoon she blew her entire allowance on a dozen eggs and left the carton in the robin’s nest outside her window, with a crayon note of sincere apology.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Deep Blue, the Master Chess Computer, VS. Timmy Wilkins, who passed Third Grade in two tries

Deep Blue: King's pawn to e4
Timmy: Queen's pawn to e5
Deep Blue: King's knight to f4
Timmy: Queen's knight to c6
Deep Blue: King's bishop to b5
Timmy: Optimus Prime to a4, a5, a6, b4, b5, b6; King's bishop captured

[Deep Blue is consulting the rules.]

Deep Blue: King castles with King's rook
Timmy: Optimus Prime fires missiles: Kings pawn and King's knight obliterated
Deep Blue: King's rook to e1
Timmy: The Dead Men of Dunharrow have appear along a3, b3, c3, d3, e3, f3, g3 and h3

[Deep Blue is consulting the rules.]

Deep Blue: Queen's knight to c3. Queen's bishop's Dunharrow Warrior has been captured.

[Deep Blue is consulting the rules.]

Timmy: Queen's knight's Dunharrow Warrior to c3. Queen's knight captured.
Deep Blue: Deep Blue suggests that the Dead Men of Dunharrow have fulfilled their oath.
Referee: The time for Deep Blue's turn is expired.
Timmy: The Dead Men of Dunharrow have left the board.

[Timmy is consulting the rules.]

Referee: The time for Timmy's turn is expired.
Deep Blue: Queen to d2.
Timmy: Optimus Prime fires missiles. Spring mechanism jammed.
Referee: The time for Timmy's turn is expired.
Deep Blue: Queen to b4. Optimus Prime has sustained significant damage and tipped over.
Timmy: Optimus Prime delivers monologue and uses Autobot matrix. All of Deep Blue's remaining pieces have been captured.

[Deep Blue is consulting Toys 'R Us.]

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Prednisone, the little pill that ruined everything

Prednisone is a steroid that is frequently used on inflammatory diseases, which becomes quite ironic if you get one of its major side-effects: heavy swelling. Other major side-effects are extreme joint pain, increased likelihood of infections, insomnia, trouble thinking straight, osteoperosis, peptic ulcers and cataracts. A minor side-effect is nervousness. Is this hilarious to anyone else?


I'm not sure how much longer this wonderful adventure in daily words can last, but I've got at least a few more months of material. If it survives a few years, though, I'd like some annual traditions. It's with that in mind that I request any readers, frequent visitors, friends or people who stumbled on here by some erant google search, submit questions in the Comments tab of this notice. You may ask as many questions as you like and whatever you like so long as you have never asked the question before in your life.

For instance you may ask, "How long have you had shingles?"

To which I may answer, "Since I warned the neighbor to stop letting shingles piss in my front yard, and he won't get her back until I get my ransom money."

You may ask for an explanation of what the effect of fluids is on the traditional concept of a three-phase classification system for matter. You may ask which supervillain and which classical Greek character I would pair off on a desert island. You may ask which philosopher I'd pick to fight to the death (probably a pacifist). I'll take the originality of most questions on blind faith, but if I suspect one of your Rarely Asked Questions has been asked before, you're disqualified.

The deadline is September 3rd, and on September 4th I'll answer at least one question from everyone. It's a ridiculous game, but the 4th is my birthday, so humor me. It might be the beginning of a tradition.

Or maybe I'll be hit by a cropduster in November and it'll just be a funny thing you did that one time with that dead guy. You never know.

Feel free to ask why it was a cropduster.

Bathroom Monologue: Good God

They treated God like an emotional thumb: a quick “Hail Mary” for a thumbs up, a “goddammit” for a thumbs down, and when a moral problem got stuck in their eyes, they rubbed at it with God until their vision cleared. That was the extent of their theology. The rest was up to good manners.
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