Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Even

I have this habit of feigning ignorance or even extreme bigotry for the sake of humor, and they have the habits of believing it. There is something hilarious in embracing negative values that those around you know you don’t hold – at least, when they recognize that you don’t really hold them.

Just yesterday I joked that the rise in anti-religious sentiment was because, “their religion isn’t a religion, you see. Theirs is just the truth. Yours is a religion because it’s false.” My friend of five years condescended to correct that their beliefs were probably as crazy to others as the beliefs of others were to— and so on. I was corrected back to a position I already held, and my joke was hit in the head with a sledgehammer.

Another time –two other times, actually-- my sister drove me home from college. We passed a stately boarding school. In total deadpan, I said, “I wonder who lives there,” suggesting one person owned the entire three-storey complex. I thought it was funny. She thought it was a cry for help, and explained that it was a school. I explained that it was a joke, and got a pity laugh. All would have been fine if I did not make the same joke to the same sister passing the same school the next semester, only to receive the same explanation that it was a school.

Now any time we pass a university I ask who she thinks lives there. She gets the joke now, but she hasn’t gotten it enough for my tastes.

There is normal condescension that we all experience and must endure: somebody’s hip intellectual roommate dissects the current political race with observations we’ve read a dozen times already, carrying on with an indignation that is purely his own. We've got to endure this condescension, or at least I do, since I'm pretty sure I've been this hip intellectual roommate before.

But this strikes me as a purely abnormal condescension, abnormal in everything except that it is incredibly common. These people – the ones who should know me better than anyone – can’t tell I’m just pretending to be an idiot. It’s starting to scare me. It may mean they’ve perceived another act I didn’t even know I was putting on.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Of Fish and Men

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for the rest of his life. Teach a man to fish for credit cards in the pockets of passersby and he’ll eat salmon. Teach a man to fish for social security numbers and he’ll eat Alaskan King Salmon. Teach a man to fish for women’s insecurities and he’ll never eat that salmon alone.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Big Sports News Sees Gold for Mother Russia

Rumor has it there was trouble in the Russian Olympic camp following Nazyr Mankiev’s victory in the 55kg Greco Roman competitions. Mankiev won Russia’s first and only Olympic gold medal for 2008 and seemed exceedingly proud, thrusting his index finger in the air after the victory. He struck the same pose an hour later in his locker room, wearing nothing but the gold medal.

The naked Olympian spent the rest of the day strutting around other Russian athletes’ rooms asking them what they had done for Russia today, supposedly striking even more degrading poses each time. He was imitating the Volgograd Mother Russia statue (no confirmation as to what served as the sword) in front of Alexei Alipov, Russia’s first 2008 male bronze medallist, when an aid finally tackled him and forced him to wear a robe.

It was not until Mavlet Batirov won a gold medal for Russia in the 60kg freestyle wrestling event and confronted Mankiev wearing his medal in a fashion that has been called “an Adam-inspired loin cloth” that Mankiev finally consented to wear pants in public.

Russia currently has thirteen gold medals, and many victorious athletes who have little or no trouble remaining clothed in public. We at Big Sports News congratulate them.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Don Quixote, Book 3, Chapter XXGI: Of an Adventure Most Inopportune and Unremarkable

So Sancho and Sr. Quixote came across the haunted glade, residence of a foul demon. They brought with them three people in tow: the lady Mariane who claimed to have seen the demon; the seer Charlemagne who spoke of its power; and Pedro, Charlemagne's hapless squire. Pedro and Sancho commiserated as Charlemagne extolled the powers of the demon: its great size, its frequent spiriting to the inferno, and its lascivious nature that had taken that greatest and irrestorable jewel from many a local virgin in the guise of unpleasant dreams.

All of these charges were false. The demon was actually rather disinterested with matters of coupling, and when interested in it at all, was uninterested in the fairer sex altogether. It had never been to the netherworld, and it was so tiny that even the eye of the abyss would not have perceived it. Its power was not in force or warping reality, but in knowing and amending characters. It recognized all but one of its visitors immediately: Pedro and Sancho as the whiny toady types, Charlemagne as a shameless huxter, and Mariane as a women who was helping hold back her gender moreso than the chauvinistic establishment. The demon heard Sancho pray for someone to right the head of his master, and the demon almost answered that prayer, before assessing his visitors. He recognized the entire party, save Sr. Quixote

Pedro and Sancho complained and criticized all the way to the glade. Charlemagne blustered and sweated, wishing his work could be done so he could retire to the inn. Mariane shook with terror. In these circumstances all canny folk were uncomfortable, yet Quixote was excited.

He challenged his fictitious demon. In some nook of his dementia he stood straighter for wearing heavy armor, and pushed harder for the discomforting heat. The delusional man was the only one who enjoyed a challenge of certain death.

The demon hesitated, and then let them pass.

As dusk fell Quixote mistakenly identified a bush for his enemy, and slew it until Mariane praised him from reducing the Devil to kindling. Sancho and Pedro carried the metamorphosed corpse back to the inn and used it to the keep the home warm. Sr. Quixote was flushed to the scalp long before they struck the fire, heated by pride.

So the group left the haunted glade, one man claiming to have slain a fairy, the rest claiming the beast to be debunked. The demon remained in the glade, talking to shrubbery and trying to convince himself that he wore a fine hat instead of a bowl. It was a failing enterprise, but the demon pursued absurdity, convinced that it might finally enjoy itself if only it could be delusional.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 31

Visit historic Delaware!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 30

Then who did, assholes?

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 29

The state of New York has not run any new advertising campaigns within the last 36 hours. Furthermore, the state of New York resents the implication that it could be drawn into a negative advertising campaign against another state, particularly when there is no competition with New York.

I <3 New York.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 28

New York is full of lies.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 27

New York
We didn’t print that.

We just thought it was you being unusually honest.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 26

You’ll be hearing from our lawyers, New York.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 25

California: It’s like the rest of the world doesn’t know we’re here.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 24


Just wow.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 23

New York
When the terrorists struck on 9/11 they flew planes into two of our many landmarks. When they sought to hurt America, they struck New York.

Osama probably doesn't even know there is a west coast.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 22

We said we’d sue, New York. Last warning. Why don’t you spend some time fixing your ungodly airport system instead of making up assaults?

Our international airports aren't a nightmare.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 21


Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 20

We haven’t built the wall.

There is no wall.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 19

New York
We’re the original American melting pot. We have a statue that asks for your tired and poor.

They have a wall.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 18

With large Hispanic, Asian, African and European communities and an international governor, we’re not afraid of different people.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 17

The state of New York can neither confirm nor deny California’s governor’s house, roads, or entire infrastructure was built by illegal labor and abused minorities.

Where’d those railroads come from, California?

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 16

At least our governor’s house wasn’t built by illegal labor.

(Did you really think we wouldn’t see your billboard go up at 2:00 AM, New York? That’s primetime here. Time zones are getting to your heads.)

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 15

New York
It’s not almost a part of Mexico.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 14

California: We’ll sue you, assholes.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 13

Home of dozens of sports teams and no champions!

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 12

We spoke to L.A., and they didn’t say that.

We thought you were above this, New York.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 11

Los Angeles: We can’t see the sky no matter how many solar panels a movie star puts around his penthouse.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 10

California: Home of Los Angeles, the greenest metropolis in the United States.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 9

New York never had an electric car initiative, but we’ve also never quashed the project when an oil company sneezed at us.

New York

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 8

California: We funded the electric car initiative.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 7

New York
It’s environmentally sensitive without hating you for driving to work.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 6

400% more beach property than some East Coast states, and no horribly polluted Coney Island Bay.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 5

New York: It’s got plenty of sun and actual things to do other than tour movie lots.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 4

California: Come to sunny California.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 3

New York: the GREATEST city in the world.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 2

Visit the true metropolis of Los Angeles, the charm of San Francisco, the entertainment capital of Hollywood, or dozens of other nationally important locales. Visit America’s greatest vineyards, thousands of miles of wilderness for true nature lovers, and more coastline and international culture than any other destination.

Bathroom Monologue: Ad Wars 1

New York
No other state mixes such culture, nature and charm. Come for gorgeous sights like endless nature trails, Niagara Falls and America’s most recognizable skyline. Come for our vineyards and award-winning wines, the Metropolitan museums of art, or take in a show on world-famous Broadway. From flea markets to Wall Street, every place has something, but only New York has it all!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Define "Ham"

“Mr. Raghevsky is one of the most dangerous men in America. He wakes up at precisely 6:30 every morning, even on weekends, so I want surveillance tapes starting at 6:15. We will bug his room, living room, home bathroom, the men’s bathroom on his floor at the office building, his cubicle, and his Prius. Document every word he so much as mutters, and pass the footage of any silently mouthed words on to our lip-reading specialists. He arrives at work somewhere between 8:50 and 9:05. Be sure to flag the tapes of any days he arrives later than 8:59. He takes his lunch hour at noon, but only eats until 12:20 at the latest. Pay careful mind to him during his spare time in this hour. This is where the most suspicious activity is most likely to occur. Sometimes he throws a random word into google and skims the results, and has seldom searched for the same two words. More often he visits one of the public libraries within walking distance of the office, walks down a seemingly random aisle and picks up the first book to catch his interest. Our operatives suggest he has not fingered the same book since January of 2005, when he spent two consecutive lunch breaks on the ‘E’ section of the O.E.D. He has not perused any dictionary since then, and operatives assume he may have left or picked up notes from that book. His spelling in intercepted e-mails since then has been atrocious. But his most dangerous act comes once a week. You’ll recognize it immediately, as he leaves everything at his desk and heads to the benches outside his workplace, leaving all files and books behind, and thinks for himself."
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