Saturday, October 25, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Hard on Herakles, Hard On Us All

“It’s hard on me too, Cal. I came back from Hades itself to do good in the world and all I get is smeared in the press. The Greek playwrights were far more flattering, and they never photographed me leaving a brothel. The nerve. They question my character, my powers, even my lineage! They say I’m not the son of Jupiter and how am I to say differently? They want a blood test for a transcendental being. Besides the point that if a drop of my blood got in their hands, ten years go by and you know we’ll be fighting clones. Made the mistake of bringing those arrows dipped in the Lernean hydra’s blood back with me. Military contractors tried to steal them while I was… otherwise engaged. What? I’m single now, and Europe has a much better club scene these days.”- Herakles

Friday, October 24, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: The Pirates Sailed Inland

Having heard some hurtful criticisms about their profession on CNN, the pirates sailed inland for more practical ventures. They scouted the homes of the wealthy, and when the occupants went to work, the pirates pillaged. But they just weren’t satisfied with stealing a home theatre or a sweet sound system. It was too small-scale.

First they tried to yank the whole house out of the ground, but the foundation was too strong and the hull was too small.

They tried sawing the floors apart to make them more maneuverable, but when the lumberjacks realized what the pirates were doing with their saws they took them back and broke the first mate’s arm.

Some of the deckhands had the idea to steal shacks and any other structures not attached to the actual houses. The crew had twenty Hummers (and twenty garages) when the captain returned from Starbuck’s. He was most displeased with the operation, but his first question wasn’t why they’d put a sliding electric door on his quarterdeck. His first question was, “How’d you get the ship on land?”

Thursday, October 23, 2008

“What will the pirates do with this ransom money?” –Some anchor on CNN, OR, Leave your TV on and you’ll overhear some weird things in the bathroom

"Beer and whores mostly, Jared. Pirates aren’t a very bright group and lack long-term investment skills. That’s why they rob people on ships. Even a dumb ass would at least rob car-to-car, considering how many cars there are on a road as opposed to ships in an ocean. Decent criminals rob your home while you’re away. Meanwhile if you sail up to a freighter, chances are they’re home. Pirates lack fundamental understanding of how evil capitalism works."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Responding to a Long'n this Time

Psych was the winner of an Independent Investigations Group Annual Award for Excellence in Entertainment for advancing the cause of science and exposing superstition” –Wikipedia,

Other runner-ups include:

-Ghost Hunters, because sometimes they say there isn’t a ghost.

-Battlestar Galactica, for proving that the future won’t be fun. Screw you, Star Trek.

-Ultimate Fighter, for contribution to the debunking of professional wrestling.

-The Office, for debunking that communities of autistic people can’t prosper.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Announcement: 500

The King Means marks 500 bathroom monologues, folks. That's a lot. I'd like to ask what you all think of the site, its content, and if possible, your favorite bathroom monologue.

Also, you can now subscribe to the Bathroom Monologues. It's free, it's just one of those google features I didn't understand well enough to include until a couple of weeks ago.

John Wiswell

Bathroom Monologue: The King Means

When that impudent whelp completed all twelve trials, the King was forced to grant him the Princess's hand. His last trick was announcing, "By all means, marry my daughter."

No one knew it even was a trick until he objected at the ceremony.

"I object to these vows under the pretense that he has not married her by all means," said the King. “They can marry in the cloud castles, in the neighboring ruins and on my tropical islands. The setting is part of the means, and clearly they have not all been had. They can have the wedding she’s always wanted, the wedding I always wanted to see her have, and the wedding her dear departed mother would have wanted. Of course, we cannot know exactly what she would have wanted, so we will rely on the interpretations of all of her sisters, and her flower maidens, and her best friends, and her priest, and myself – individually. Perhaps at the pace of a wedding a day? By all these means, and by every other conceivable means of marriage, they must marry or never see their marital ceremony complete.”

“And we might elope,” muttered the princess, who had waited too damned long for her dashing, strapping young groom as it was.

“Yes, eloping!” Her royal father exclaimed. “And eloping to the countryside, and eloping to the country in the north, and eloping to the chapel just outside Barrenhaven. But don’t get any ideas about consummating that elopation, children, for it won’t be official on just the first try, and the punishment for deflowering an unwed princess is capital.”

His highness’s shameless literalism was beyond reproach to his royal status and his support for capital punishment.

They went through the rigors. He had them wed by means of mailing in paperwork from various districts. He had them wed by reciting various vows, and when they thought they had completed them all, had them wed by means of those same vows in sign language. The groom peevishly asked if they would have to say their vows by smoke signals, and got his foot stomped on by the bride right before the king ordered kindling.

Day after day went by, but their love was annoyingly strong. They continued to wait and go through new means. In turn the king hired writers, philosophers and puzzle-makers to come up with new means. The young couple married on the night of the full moon and on the night of no moon. They married at sea and on every island in the kingdom. They were wed by every priest, lawyer and nutjob the king could persuade out of an alley. The best was an obscure regional ritual of mediation with the Quakers of the countryside, forcing the couple to convince them of their love, which the princess likened to, “the Chinese water torture of marriage.”

Their love remained annoyingly strong as the king descended into brothels to calculate a final desperate means. As usual with his great policies, a concubine inspired him.

And so at the first day of winter they were married in different regions with surrogate partners standing in for the real lover. The princess married a surrogate groom, and the whelp married a surrogate bride – who happened to be a model for those top-shelf magazines, and had a fondness for clever whelps. Apparently the princess and the whelp mixed their signals, for while she immediately hit the road home, he took his surrogate on a two-week surrogate honeymoon.

They decided to see other people while he was prying the princess’s stiletto out of his forehead.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Capitalism at its Finest

“Why do I want a digital TV? I already have a nice big screen.”
“Well the ten channels that get the digital signal come in a little clearer. The audio is cleaner.”
“It’s not really $900 cleaner…”
“That’s fine.”

Two years later
“Why do I want a flat screen TV?”
“You see, there’s less glare on the surface. No so many reflections.”
“I don’t really notice the glare on my current TV, and I definitely wouldn’t enjoy a totally shineless television $1,100 more than my current one.”
“That’s fine.”

Three more years later
“What’s a high def TV?”
“High Definition television.”
“Why do I want that?”
“On the right channels the colors are much richer, especially the blacks. You get a much clearer picture. Here, check out this BluRay disc.”
“What is a BluRay?”
“The next generation of DVD’s. You’ll have to buy them, too. And a new player.”
“Will it at least play my old ones?”
“No, but that’s okay, because they’ll look ugly on the HD set. You want BluRay. See?”
“Oh, you’re kind of right. I can see more of Robert Downey Jr.’s moles and kind of make out where they put the make-up on him. Also the CGI is more obvious. Huh. … This is actually making television less fun. And you say it’s $1600?”
“Only this weekend. It’s a special.”

Two years even later
“Why am I buying this TV, again?”
“Well next year they’re going to start broadcasting only in digital format soon, so if you want to watch TV you’ll need a new one. And the only digitals we really sell now are high def flat screens.”
“I guess I’ll take it,” he said, pulling out his checkbook. “You don’t know if they make special definition checks that make the same money worth twice as much, do you?”
“Not yet.”

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: “There are two kinds of people in this world…” –Many annoying people throughout the decades

-Those who are on fire, and those who are laughing
-Those who don’t get It, and those who don’t know It’s a topic
-Those with healthcare, and those who shouldn’t get sick
-Those who are employed, and those lazy bastards who are lucky we let them stay in our country
-Those who are dumb, and those who are dumb with accessories
-Those who have read all the classics, and those with good eyesight
-Those, and these… wait, I’ve mixed them up
-Those who truly believe, and those who believe in something else
-Those who torture alligators, and pussies
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