Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Absurdist like...?

-Absurdist like using Mars as a can opener?
-Spanking a lobster?
-Paying income taxes on your imaginary jobs in Monopoly money?
-The internet using the public library to browse humans?
-Bitchslapping a dominatrix with a tulip?
-Planets dwarf-tossing asteroids?
-Someone using a remote to mute a live opera?
-Our cavalry being overrun by giant white statues of horse heads that only moved in L-shapes?

Friday, March 14, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Get Out, and Close the Door

“Not everyone who’s having a good time is some tortured soul covering up their inner darkness. We’re not all suffering children with a hedonistic exterior, damaged at the core by hard, crumby lives. Some of us just want to have a good time with the people around us because we’re good people. Some of us want to enjoy the time we have. But you won’t accept that. You want to make us like you, and you’ll do it one way or the other. The one way is posthumous psychoanalysis; when we’re dead and can’t tell the world how wrong you are, you simply argue that we lived lies in the face of your bold, self-righteous truths. But until we drop dead, you try to win out the other way. You doubt us, browbeat us, tell us we’re in denial, pretend humor is inferior to seriousness, and bring us down at every chance you get until we stay down, like a kid playing with a balloon, only tiring when the helium runs out and we lie limp on the ground like the rest of your toys, unhappy and unable to get up on our own anymore. And that’s what makes you like every other supposedly grand thinker: when it turns out you’re wrong, you take it out on the people who made you wrong until you’re right.”

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Things I'd Like to Know

-How the field goal kicker feels after his team loses 42 to 3.
-If light ever slows down just a couple meters per second for a few seconds, just to spite us.
-If any of the telemarketers I've been called by are actually sasquatches trying to fit into the modern economy while living in anonymity. If some are, I'd like to know where they picked up the Indian accents.
-If the sun has a magical property that kills vampires, or if light energy kills them - and if the latter should be the case, if they could be killed by being run over by a solar-powered car.
-How many people would have to be incapacitated for the head coach of the Chicago Bears to be appointed temporary president.
-Why people take the uniqueness of snowflakes as truth without personal empirical research, and what it would mean for physics if three identical ones landed all at the same time - in Stephen Hawking's left eye.
-How many copies of The Collected Works of Jonathan Swift we could print if we recycled every lollipop stick in the world.
-How many awesome forts we could build if we pulped and recycled every ice cream popsicle stick in the world.
-How much money a band would make if they recycled every blank white shirt in the world as their own post-modern limited edition tour shirts.
-If -just once- everyone in the world blinked at exactly the same time and some cosmic being turned off the sun for that splitsecond, and turned it back on before anyone opened their eyes.
-If anyone objected to the above ludicrous situation because video cameras around the world would pick up the moment of darkness.
-If anyone objected to the above objection because a cosmic being capable of installing a lightswitch in a star could probably outsmart a VCR.
-If a rapper has ever pulled fake ebonics words out of his ass while making an album and pulled it off so well that people just made up definitions based on inflection and context, quickly changing them from nonsense to cutting edge street talk.
-If there is life anywhere else in the universe, and if so, what they thought of The Godfather II.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: “I’m having trouble thinking of a plot for National Novel Writing Month.” –Michelle Ann Fleming

Title: Sincerely, Abe
Tagline: “A.L..” Does that stand for “Abraham Lincoln” or “Alternative Lifestyle?” You decide!
Genre: Historical fiction/sappy romance/science fiction
Synopsis: Abraham Lincoln is gay... for Jesus. And he builds a time machine with the help of sentient garden gnomes to reach his one true love. But a cruel conspiracy of slave-owners and Da Vinci Code fans are out to ruin alternative history’s greatest romance. The ironic twist ending sees John Booth crucify Jesus, and Pontius Pilot shoot Abraham Lincoln... a smile!
Subplots: The garden gnomes turn out to be reincarnations of a primordial force, “The Supporting Cast.” In previous existences they were the Apostles, the seven dwarves, and during the end credits we see them become the guys that bankrolled the Titanic.
Themes: Redemption (gnomes), love (Abe/Christ, Booth/Judas, Grumpy/Doc)
Comments: I’m so clever.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Looking for the huge branch mom said fell in her yard Monologue

Where is this blasted branch? This supposedly enormous fallen bough? I can spy it not on yonder side of the property, yet I examine every bush as a hiding place. Perhaps her feminine eyes scried what they wished or feared, rather than that which was truly there. It is one of the features of her gender, and it is my experience that it runs doubly so for the eyes of mothers. Indeed, the lumber must have manifested in her mind when she heard tell of reports of last eve’s heavy winds, which impregnated her mind with the concept of an object all too large for her to lift. A romantic distress. It may well be time we treat of retirement from her… oh, there it is.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: The Wind Turns Leaves Over

The story on the A.P. wire that morning finally convinced Aubert to change. For months he’d noticed bad habits: taking advantage of the feelings of others, cutting people off in traffic, getting short with people on the phone. One time he even walked into the street and started knocking off people’s hats for no apparent reason. For months he noticed these habits, and thought he should change.

Then he read, “Man Charged in Death of Good Samaritan” on the A.P. wire. Someone had stolen a tip jar, jumped in his car, and ran over the customer that tried to stop him. And while Aubert didn’t feel like he was that man (and knew he wasn’t), this bothered him so badly that he had to go out for a walk.

Aubert never went for walks, so he got lost. He wandered by some shops, until he saw one with a peculiar sign in the window. It read: “NEEDED: ONE MORE GOOD MAN.”

Not even, “WANTED.”


He went inside and couldn’t think what to tell the clerk.

She asked, “Did you read the story about the Samaritan?”

His eyes went wide, but then nodded. He helped her clear a couple of tables and said, “Yes. And I’m here now.”

They never took down the sign.

(Inspired by: )

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Expenses List for the Break-In

Expenses List
Day 1:
Ninjas (7x)
Black jumpsuits (6x)
Tye dye jumpsuit (1x)
Pressure-tested grapnel lines (400 meters)
Replica bank vault
High-tech infrared cameras (3x)

Day 2:
Higher-tech ultraviolet cameras (2x)

Day 3:
Plastic explosives (200 lbs.)

Day 4:
Ecological pamphlets (9x)

Day 5:
Hazardous materials disposal
Biodegradable natural explosives (200 lbs.)

Day 6:
Service truck rentals
Eco-friendly smoke bombs
Electromagnetic pulse generator

Day 8:
Bail (8x)
Legal representation (7x – screw the hippy ninja)
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