Bathroom Monologue: In Soviet Russia, Noun Challenges You

“It’s the worst scandal to hit the Kentucky Derby since bookies started photoshopping our photo finishes. Seems some joker went around loosening all but one of the jockeys’ straps – er, that is, the straps on their saddles. Only one jockey, Catali, had an untampered saddle. It was raining little men that morning, Catali won, and because of some bad internal legislation, he got to keep the trophy and prize money, and even got his name in the record books for biggest margin of victory. But since then he’s been ostracized and quietly banned from racing.

“He didn’t do it, though. Didn’t do the tampering. He had an alibi, and frankly he’s dumber than his mount.

“No, it was part of the cement consortium that was turned down for the 2001-2005 renovations at Churchill Downs. People outside of Kentucky may not know this, but Churchill Downs is a place – the Kentucky Derby is a thing that happens there. The Downs is really popular thanks to that two-week festival they run every year, and they needed it renovated in the millennium, to put in a bunch of suites and such that they could charge more for. A lot of bidders funneled in for the project, and those who were turned away got real bitter, especially this one distributed of lime and volcanic pumice – the stuff that goes into concrete – who pretty much went out of business when the owners of the Downs reneged on a deal they promised behind closed doors. Ruining a big race and turning the winner into a pariah was their revenge, you see.

“The consortium was thwarted, though, because for all the negative press the Downs made back all its money and popularity by becoming the first race track to ever hold a Rolling Stones rock concert. A couple of the punks from the defunct consortium tried to sabotage the guitars, but they got caught and shuttled away in secrecy. The people who run the Kentucky Derby are still pretty sensitive over anything bringing up the memory of that scandal, even news of them catching people who were in on it. Guess hosting a race where all your world-class jockeys fall off their horses in the gate is pretty embarrassing.”