Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Dear Diary

Why did God let me happen? Man perfected robot dinosaurs when he invented Grimlock, so why did they make me? All I ever do is fight the creature I was designed after. Why? It’s not that compelling a spectacle. I can only have a new cannon shoot out of so many appendages before they all blend together and I feel like a giant derringer with a tail. They might as well have made me look like a gun instead of an anatomically retarded tyrannosaurus.

I’m what Mary Shelley would have created if she’d been afraid of lizards and toasters instead of ghosts. Crazy Romance-era bitch. I can’t get a purpose in this life. Every psychoanalyst sends me to an electrician, and every electrician runs in terror. I tried finding Jesus, but short-circuited at the baptism and leveled the county. All I want is peace and all I get is rust. Time to face it. I’m obsolete technology. And what do you do with ten million tons of obsolete space titanium?

But things are looking up. I’ve got an audition for the new Gundam series on Friday, and the U.S. military is building a robot version of whatever the Hell that thing in Cloverfield is, and he might need an acting coach.

Who am I kidding? If Godzilla doesn’t come out of retirement I might as well recycle myself.

The Cosmic Monster

1 comment:

  1. Awwww, poor guy. I think he was the monster in the first Godzilla monster movie I ever saw.


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