Friday, October 9, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: No Militaries in the Gay

Listen to the MP3 edition of our news report here.

In a radical reversal of roles, today the U.S. government banned the military from gays. War will no longer be allowed to be declared where there are any gay people, to avoid exposing soldiers to what one White House staffer called, “uncomfortable environments.”

The Prime Minister of Iran quickly explained that earlier speaking snafus were mistranslation and there are indeed homosexual people in his country. In fact, he added, “I may be gay, or may have a gay person near me at all times!”

In related news, the governments of North Korea, Sudan and Venezuela have begun importing people of alternative lifestyles in bulk. Massive tax credits, free upscale housing and ludicrously generous civil unions have been offered to lure these sexual expatriots, or "sexpatriots," as bloggers have begun to call them.

North Korea and China entered a bidding war this morning to attract the cast of the now-defunct Bravo television series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” hoping to have them spruce up their capitols. Anonymous sources close to the bidding war say government heads hope to make their populations look more fabulous and thus render their countries even more immune from military action.

No officials would confirm these allegations.

“We’ve been planning this for a long time,” explained one North Korean insider. “Our tight borders have left us unfashionably stuffy. The glorious leader is a longtime fan of Queer Eye. This has absolutely nothing to do with avoiding being attacked by a major superpower.”

More as this story develops.

24 comments:

  1. Absolutely absurd, John! I love your work.

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  2. Love it! If we could only move a bit that way for real...

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  3. "Our tight borders have left us unfashionably stuffy." LOL!

    Very good!

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  4. I LOVED this. You managed to catch that newsy style and be hilarious at the same time.

    >>Anonymous sources close to the bidding war say government heads hope to make their populations look more fabulous and thus render their countries even more immune from military action.<<
    OMG, that's my favorite part. :D

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  5. Happy to make some people laugh with this one! Your enthusiasm really picked me up, Ganymeder and Marisa. Thank you all!

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  6. I'm not asking therefore, i shan't tell. In fact I was not here. I definitely did NOT read this off the chain fabulously funny piece. No sir. I'm off to Venezuela.

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  7. LMAO! "Massive tax credits, free upscale housing and ludicrously generous civil unions have been offered" OHHH...this would SO happen! Wonderful and witty flash, thanks for the giggle :-)

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  8. Oh sweet goddess John... Thank YOU for such hilarity. Anf for exposing how ludicrous our 'policies' often are.

    Snort. Sharing this with the hubbers. Too excellent to enjoy alone.

    Peace, Linda

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  9. Hysterical! "Queer Eye" was on the Fine Living Network for a while, but they may be off again. Too bad, they'd be great ambassadors for style and peace!

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  10. Hahaha... I snorted. Awesome, story!
    ~2

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  11. A well-developed sense of the absurd is the only way to survive in life. You, Sir, will never die!

    This was a good way to start my Saturday morning - many thanks for making me laugh.

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  12. Very nicely done sir, very much enjoyed listening to the mp3.

    when you think about it, not that absurd idea at all

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  13. Happy to make you folks laugh, especially at the start of a few days.

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  14. I'll post a comment when I finish laughing!!! Great!

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  15. Bravo! Bravo! That was absolutely fantastic. You come up with some real classics.
    ~jon

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  16. A genuinely funny bit of satire. Loved it.

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  17. Made me laugh on a grumpy Sunday morning. Thank you :)

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  18. This was a goofy one. I liked it. Nicely done!

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  19. To hell with CBC,NPR, and NYT. YOU are my new go-to news source.

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  20. Clever and extremely funny. Thanks
    ~chris

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