Thursday, April 22, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Karen Schindler and Jodi MacArthur want me to write about “Comment Gobblers”

Comment Gobblers are actually the abducted children of Pac-Man. You know Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man. Perhaps you even know of Jr. Pac-Man and Baby Pac-Man, but those were unauthorized children, adopted to fill the hole the Pac-Family's lives. Software developers kidnapped the Pac-Brood as soon as they were conceived, before the zygote split and there was just one pixel of Pac-ness.

Stolen from the warm embrace of their yellow parents, the Pac-Brood were raised in harsh environments like Doom and Pit Fall. A Pac-Person’s inability to jump makes Pitfall an emotionally scarring experience. These games left them both callous and with a deep hunger for something. In the absence of little white pellets strewn about a maze, these Pac-Persons could be directed at anything and expected to swallow them.

What did they swallow? Your Comments on various blogs. Your personal information on e-forms. Anything you’ve ever typed and submitted only to be told the server lost it and you’ll have to fill it out again – that was the work of an abused Pac-Person. They buzz through dial-up and T-1 lines, relishing in the bonus stages that crappy Word Verification programs enable. They’re not doing it out of malice to you – they’re just starving for approval, and desperately running from the ghosts of their lost past.


  1. Ah, great explanation. Poor misunderstood little guys.

    I'm writing my own Comment Gobbler story as requested...make that.. as you.

    I don't think that you saw any more of the twitter exchange the other day...but I gave away the ending while talking to Johanna Harness....
    See you friday.


  2. Isn't there some kind of 'Comment Gobblers Anonymous' program we can put them through? Maybe relax those childhood fears of abandonment and anger?

    Love this, John. I can count on you to twist, shake, and blend any couple words and turn it into a unique story.

    I didn't write one of my own, the whole Milky Way Intergalatic Coffee Shop stole my mind and I'm working on that right now. Looking forward to Karen's on friday!

  3. I knew it! I don't know how I knew it, but I did! I don't know whether to be angry at the Pac-Brood or feel sorry for them. I also have to wonder if they'll snack on this comment...

  4. Thank heavens, I thought I was just going crazy. I'll cancel that lobotomy and call Comcast instead.
    A cool, crazy creation, John!

  5. That explains so much.
    Now, can you tell me about the Idea Gobblers?
    Like Elvis, mine have left the building.

  6. You've lost your idea gobblers, Cathie? But doesn't that mean you now have a glut of ideas? What a lovely problem to have.

    Thank you all for the kind words (and for this prompt).

  7. This actually brought a tear to my eye. I will send those poor babies a big, juicy apple cobbler. Cobbler gobblers are known to be happier than comment gobblers, no matter how tragic their sordid pasts.

  8. Eat this, you illegitimate pac-babies:

    Haha great one, John! "before the zygote split and there was just one pixel of Pac-ness" is definitely my favorite line!


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